I know this post is ill-timed, what with the celebration of the birth of Jesus right around the corner and all, but I have to “get this out.”
Many of you have followed along with my tale of our sleep deprivation over the past two years. (if you want to catch up, click “sleep” under “categories”) I feel like we have tried everything: cry it out, co-sleeping, no cry sleep solutions, benadryl, sleeping on the nursery floor. Little Man still wakes up multiple times each night; well, he cries out frequently, anyway, and whether or not he actually wakes up, I do. But most nights, he wakes up and screams until he gags. And nothing has worked.
And this is where my crisis of faith comes in.
I have always believed that prayer works. I have always believed that God loves me. Even in the midst of my own angst-ridden twenties, when I wasn’t sure of anything about God, somewhere deep down I knew that He still loved me.
Today? I’m not so sure at all. I mean, the Bible says God grants sleep to those He loves (Psalm 127 – right in there when he mentions children are a reward.). And when you are extremely exhausted, your thoughts can easily spin out of control. Does He not love me, or does He not love my son? Is He trying to teach me something? Is this punishment? Is He going to take Little Man away from us (aka allow him to die) so He wants us to spend as much time as possible with him, including 3 am every single morning?
Does He even care? Does He notice how exhausted we are? Does He see us fight in our marriage because of exhaustion? Does He see how it is so hard to accomplish minimal daily tasks, on top of raising our incredibly active child, because we have no energy? Does He not hear our begging and pleading and asking for peace, for relief, for sleep for both us and our child? How can He truly understand since He never grows tired or weary?
And I know all the promises in Scripture. Intellectually – in my head – I know He sees us and hears us and cares.
But in reality? Where the rubber meets the road? At 11:37 pm, 1:13 am, 3:30 am and when the boy is up for good at 6 am? When I’ve had no more than two consecutive hours of sleep in months?
I’m not so sure.
It’s causing quite a crisis in my faith. And usually when faced with such a crisis in my faith, I can somewhat see where we are headed or what God is trying to teach me.
I just don’t know.
I just feel like we are being punished.