church · faith · life is messy · mommy guilt · real life friends · sleep

How are you, spiritually?

I got asked this question today.

How are you, spiritually?

I volunteer with a ministry at church headed up by a minister on staff who is a friend of mine. He was on staff at the seminary when I started twelve years ago. Shortly after Keith and I got married, and I moved away from Cincinnati, this man and his family moved as well. He was hired by our church.

Anyway, I have basically neglected my volunteer duties since November. I was increasingly angry at God, I don’t entirely agree with some decisions that have been made, and quite frankly, I am tired. I woke up this morning and knew I needed to call this minister, because there is a meeting tomorrow night that I cannot attend.

But at nap time today, I wanted to lay down. It’s been a long week (since last Wednesday) and I, as one is prone to be with a child with a sleep disorder, am exhausted. I didn’t want to call him because I feel guilty that I have been slacking AND because he is one of the most compassionate and kind men I know, and he would be frustrated by my guilt.

As life would have it, he called me as soon as I laid down.

So we had a conversation about where I am in my life, about how my boys have been sick, my son has a sleep disorder, my father had surgery Monday and my mom has a biopsy tomorrow. We talked about how I am tired and trying to take good care of my family and how Saturdays and Sundays are really the only days I get to spend with my husband. We talked about my marriage and parenting. And then he asked me how I am spiritually.

Blessedly, I was able to say that I am better today than I was on January 1. I am no longer angry at God or frustrated by my seemingly unanswered prayers.

But spiritually I am drying up. I need to refill my well, because I cannot serve anyone effectively when I am dry and/or drying up.

Yet, one of the side effects of Little Man’s sleep disorder is a lack of time – effective quiet time – with Jesus. You see, I have no idea when he will wake up in the mornings. Inevitably, if I set my alarm for 6, he is crying at 5:30. If I set my alarm for 8, he is crying at 5:30. At night, it is a two-three hour process to get him down, and then he cries every few hours, or, inevitably, if I pick up my Bible or a study book.

(Satan is a jerk face)

I try to spend some time with Jesus at nap time, but usually I need some sleep so I don’t go insane on nights like tonight when Keith won’t be home before the bedtime struggle.

I pray. A lot. But I don’t always get to read or study or journal.

So I am drying up slowly. And I recognize it’s a season, but it’s a tough one.

How about you? How are you doing spiritually? And who do you have in your life to ask you?

3 thoughts on “How are you, spiritually?

  1. Thanks for the post. I totally understand what you're saying…I know I have more thoughts than that, but I'll have to dig them out. Thanks, as always, for the honesty.

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  2. I'm doing…well. Ish. I agree with you; there is a 180 in Bible study and quiet time after kids, and there isn't a whole lot you can do about it, because if you get up earlier, you are a pretty bad mommy for the day from lack of sleep! Honestly, I think you're doing amazing considering the sleep issues of N…I have put myself in your shoes for a mental moment, and I have no clue if I could function, much less stay sane. Praying for you.

    One thing I did this week that literally gave me energy for the entire day was clean my mom's house BY MYSELF. Usually K comes along, we do the dusting and vacuuming together, and then we eat lunch and she goes down for a nap while I do everything else. I try to stay quiet, which obviously means no music, and I listen for her. Well on Wednesday, I left her with the hubby, brought my iPod, and had three and a half hours of blasting worship…it was AMAZING. I know Keith can't do that for you, but if you could even do that or something like it once a week or two with a babysitter, it would make a world of difference.

    It IS for a season, and I get you SO MUCH on this…you wouldn't change anything about it, but that doesn't mean it isn't difficult. It's H.A.R.D.!!! There are times that I just tell God, “I can't do this well. Help me! Carry me through!” And I know He gets it, too.

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