about me · adoption journey · Baby · birth mother · blog friends · faith · fear · The Wait

Tears and Fears

It’s definitely a boy!!!! I should be writing my message for the chapel service I’m doing at school tomorrow, but instead, here I am on blogger.

We got a letter from our lawyer today. Actually, the letter is from S, sent to us via the lawyer. Enclosed were ultra.sound pi.ctures. I am crying massive tears of joy right now. I had no idea that little black and white photos would so rock my world. And the letter that accompanied it was just beautiful.

Apparently Baby is quite the active little guy. S said that he performed during her entire ultra.sound. He even “tinkled,” so you can REALLY tell that he’s a boy 🙂

Our due date has been changed from Jan. 14 to Jan. 9. Wow. That’s even less time to prepare. I am simply in shock, I think, to realize I might be a mother in less that three months. Holy crap! I just realized that’s like less than 90 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted to post today anyway. I have been struggling with fear. I have read the wonderful accounts of friends bringing home their babies (like Erika and Allie and Jen) and friends who have been matched (BP and H). I have also read about Hope, who I just “met” through Rebekah’s blog, who is currently experiencing, in her words, a shattering loss. I realize that there are women out there who are agonizing over the length of their wait for a match.

I realize I am blessed in that our wait for a match was only 36 days, from time of approval. However, my wait is now different. I think God knew I couldn’t handle the wait for a match. But now I am waiting to see what happens. I think every adoptive mother KNOWS in the back of her mind that this could fall through. I am alternately crying out to God in joy and in fear.

Fear is a funny thing. When I read of families being matched to birthmothers, joy courses through me – not fear. When I think about S and the son that she is carrying, joy courses through me as well, but so does a small amount of fear. And I like what Kelley has to say on the topic. I trust God in this process. I have to. I don’t understand how else I could survive.

Infertility is a tough tough road. You suffer SO much loss, even if you choose (like we did) not to pursue medical treatment options. I’ve never had a miscarriage (that I know of – but that’s a story for a different post), so it’s true I don’t know that devastation and loss. I don’t know what it’s like to sink all of my hope into shots and IVFs and not ever have my eggs “take.” However, I know what it’s like to NOT be pregnant month after month after month and year after year. I know the loss of not combining my DNA with my husband’s. I know the loss of not being able to tell my husband, in a special way, “I’m pregnant.” I know the loss of not carrying a child. I know the loss of thinking, “Am I really a woman?”

Adoption is filled with loss, all around. The birth parents suffer loss, the child suffers loss, the adoptive parents suffer loss. If we don’t acknowledge it, we do everyone involved such a huge disservice.

Adoption is also filled with fear. I think it is wise to acknowledge the fear, as well. I don’t think we have to live IN the fear, but we have to live WITH the fear. My fears right now are myriad: will I be a good mother? What if I’m never pregnant because I shouldn’t be a mother? What if something happens to Baby? And the biggest fear of all: WHAT IF S CHANGES HER MIND???

But you know what…I thought through this the other day. I played “What if” with myself. What if S changes her mind? It will suck. It will hurt. I will cry. I will be devastated. I will scream and cry and probably throw up. But I will get up one day, probably about a week later, and shower. I will put on my makeup. I will make love to my husband again. I will return to my middle school classroom and be loved on by 140 students who don’t want me to go on maternity leave anyway. I will call the lawyer and tell them to keep showing us. If S changes her mind I will be very very very grieved. But it won’t kill me. And I can say this because I believe in – and love – God, who created me. And who created S, and Baby.

If S changes her mind, I will cling to the hope that God placed us in her life at this time for HIS reasons – reasons I may never know this side of Heaven. The more I pray and journal about adoption, the more convinced I am that we can’t get pregnant because God wants us to adopt. And that’s not because He’s mean or vindictive or wants to shortchange our experience as parents. It’s because He knows what we best need and what this child (and hopefully subsequent children we adopt in the future) most needs. I have to trust that this is God’s plan.

I realize that not everyone reading this blog is a Christian, or a believer in God, or a believer in my God. I get that, but I have to be honest. I hope to share these words someday with my children, and I can’t hide who I am. If you have questions about why I believe what I believe, please, leave me a message and I’ll respond. If you are reading this and you have no faith, and you are waiting, I don’t know what gives you hope. Because my hope rests in God. It has too.

After all, today I got a picture of my son. Proof. Which is what I asked God for this morning.

11 thoughts on “Tears and Fears

  1. Your post resonated with me so much today. I am living with a million what-ifs in the phase waiting for V to deliver. What I realized is that it will be hard but I will pick myself up, dust off and move on. Infertility has me resilient if nothing else.


  2. Amen, sister! You pretty much answered what I asked people to post about today. And…yay for boys (even though our baby is a girl, which is just right for us)! So so so excited for you and thankful for hearing about your faith.


  3. Beautiful post! I love that the little man peed during the ultrasound, that made me laugh out loud!

    I totally get it…all the fears you talk about. I think they are par for the course, in a big way!!

    It's funny, our story kind of happened the opposite way. We had to wait nearly a year for our match, but then our baby was here over night! I too feel that God knew I wouldn't be able to handle waiting a long time after a match. That would have been very hard for me to handle! I read your story (and others who are in a similar place) and I don't know how you do it some days!

    Anyway…this comment is rambling all over the place, but I just wanted to say I think you will be a GREAT mother, and I can't wait until I see your dreams come true!!



  4. I love that you said that you couldn't get pregnant because God wanted you to adopt. I used to have the same fear, that God didn't want me to be a mom because I couldn't get pregnant, even though I wanted to be a mom. All that changed when we finalized Andrew's adoption. At that point on I knew that God didn't let me get pregnant for a very special reason!


  5. I had to laugh when I read your blog because I had a joke with my team at work that they'd know when I was on my way to the hospital because they'd get a text message that said, “Holy crap!”. Sometimes you're at a loss for words and that about sums it up.

    I'm so excited for you. We had a match fall through and we got through it. I think that the waiting while matched is almost worse than just waiting due to the level of anxiety.

    However, Nora was definitely meant to come to us. She's just as stubborn as my husband, myself and our dog so I know she found the right house and the right family. She's definitely the baby we were supposed to have.


  6. 🙂 I love this! You are such a strong woman and although I hope you NEVER have to experience S changing her mind- I am comforted knowing that you are preparing yourself for WHATEVER God has planned for you! Yayyy for little black and white pictures of your baby BOY!


  7. Rachel, I know exactly how you feel. 🙂 You just gotta hold on and pray that this is the end of the ride and not the upside before the big drop. One way or the other, though…and for whatever reason, you and S have all been brought together for a reason, at this exact moment.

    I know what you mean about the US. I'll never forget how my heart stopped the moment I saw that little b&w image. It was like it made everything real. I carried it in my purse leading up to the big day. Made me feel good to get to look at it.

    And hurray for another little boy! Seems like a big year for boys. 🙂



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