SO…two adoptive families from church asked me the same questions this week:
1) Is it just surreal?
I said, yes!
2) Do you feel like you’re babysitting?
I said, yes!
Isn’t that horrible? I feel like I’m babysitting. It’s so…weird. I mean, I love Little Man. I can already distinguish his cries, his wants, his needs, his different expressions. I know how he likes to be held and rocked, how often he wants to eat, what his cooing is starting to sound like. He knows I’m his momma, because he turns into me when we cuddle, he searches for me if someone else is holding him and he hears my voice, he settles right down when I pick him up, he understands “kisses from momma” and opens his mouth up wide and turns his cheeks to me…
But I feel like I’m playing house.
Now, a very good friend of mine told me that after she gave birth to her oldest daughter, she very much felt the same way. They came home from the hospital and she found it all very surreal. She knew she was her daughter – she “knew” everything she was supposed to know. But she felt very strange.
I feel very strange.
Again, don’t get me wrong – I love Little Man. My mom was holding him today and after a while I just wanted him back in my arms. I know he is my son and I am his mother. But I feel like I’m faking it…or I’m playing at mommy…or it’s all a dream.
I know it’s permanent. I know it’s “for real.” I know this is what I’ve wanted for almost 6 years of trying to conceive and have a family.
But it feels…weird. Happy? Yes. Challenging? In ways I’d never imagined. Fulfilling? Absolutely. Right? 100%.
But…weird. A dangerous opinion to naysayers, I’m sure. But it’s the truth.