Saturday and Sunday were by far the most difficult days so far, especially those nights. Saturday my mom (grandma!) came over for a few hours so I could get some sleep and Keith could run some errands and do some fix-it-up type stuff around the house. So my mom held Little Man for like 3 hours. Mostly while he napped.
On Sunday, we went to church and then went to my aunt’s to watch the Colts game (Go COLTS!) and celebrate my cousin’s 16th birthday party. We didn’t sleep well Saturday night, so we had a mini-meltdown during church on Sunday and then went to my aunt’s. Where my two aunts and grandma held little man. And his belly button fell off. And momma freaked out a little about how gross that is. And he slept in the car seat in the car when we should have been awake.
Sunday evening, Little Man stayed home with Keith to watch more football while I went to Bible study (and Keith staying home – gasp – alone – with Little Man made him a total hero to the other girls, which I don’t think I’ll ever understand….).
So Sunday night, Little Man was awake every other hour. It went something like this: 10:00 eat, 10:30 sleep, 11:00 fuss & cry, 12:00 eat, 12:30 sleep, 1:00 fuss & cry, and so on and so forth. The only way Little Man would sleep was on top of me.
Which I love.
Until I started to nod off. All of the baby books and the doctor have stressed NOT SLEEPING WITH YOUR BABY. I tried to prop myself up in the glider, but was afraid I’d drop him. I didn’t want to curl up on the couch, because I knew I’d fall asleep and smother my son (probably not, in all reality, but still…the “experts” have petrified me!). So momma didn’t sleep.
This led to yesterday…a day at home in our pajamas while I desperately tried to re-establish our schedule. And lots of self-reflection, which isn’t necessarily a good thing, especially when one is exhausted! I was trying to figure out why Little Man only wanted to sleep on momma.
Is it an adoption thing? That is what my question boiled down to. Did he miss me because I’m his momma and other people held him? Is he confused about who his momma is? Did I break our bonding routine? Am I failing at bonding with my son?
Would I have made different decisions on Saturday and Sunday if I had given birth to Little Man?
No. We would have gone to church, we would have gone to my aunt’s (where I would have let my aunts and my mom hold him), and I would have gone to Bible study. I’m 100% confident in my husband’s ability to father, and I want Little Man and his daddy to bond and have a great relationship. And, we want to model for Little Man a healthy marriage and healthy grown-up, balanced lives, which include Bible studies with our adult friends.
But in our adoption education classes, we talked a lot about bonding. And we were cautiously (but specifically) told to not play “pass the baby” and to not let others meet his needs (feeding, changing, comforting) for at least six weeks. Well, Keith and I are the only ones to have fed him (I think my mom gave him one bottle at some point when I was utterly exhausted and overly-emotional), changed his diaper and comforted him. And people have held him mostly while he was asleep.
But I find myself questing parenting decisions based on this: is this an adoption thing or a parenting thing?
Who knew it would start this early!?!?!