being a girl · fear · The Wait

What if I Can’t?

I’m not sure I can handle this.

Yet again I’m not pregnant. I know I won’t be pregnant, ever. But why must I be reminded so painfully every month. And for about a week, I have no good emotions. I waver between exhausted and angry to scared and sad.

We met with our social worker on Saturday. We filled her on the entire story with S. We had told her little bits and pieces, but over mega-muffins at a breakfast joint we filled her in on everything. She says everything sounds good and she, as a social worker, is confident this match will result in a son for us.

Easy for her to say.

Actually, it probably isn’t easy for her to say, but compared to some of her other families, our situation is golden. Apparently she has families dealing with some seriously nutso things.

And Keith thought for sure hearing her say that she’s confident in this match would make me feel better.

But not so much.

I’m terrified. I’m hoping it’s becase it’s girl week, but…I’m terrified. I’m trying so hard to be upbeat, optimistic, excited about my baby shower this Saturday. I’ve even started buying baby things. Granted, a package of baby wipes probably isn’t a huge accomplishment, and I hear they’re incredibly useful in many things, but…for me…to even wander into the baby section at the store and buy a container???? Huge.

Last week I bought three onesies and a baseball cap for Scooter.

But I’m afraid to wash them…to remove the tags…to really enjoy this. I’m just scared.

I hate roller coasters.

I want to get off now, please.

I’m not sure I’ve got 9 weeks and 4 days left in me – let alone 48-72 hours of the emotional hospital time.

But it’s not like I have a choice. What if I can’t do this? Well…tough cookies, Rachel. Suck it up. You’re doing it.


4 thoughts on “What if I Can’t?

  1. Totally get what you're feeling! And I've only bought one thing (which still has the tags on it)…I'm not even registering until after he's born and I see how I feel about the surety of the whole thing (we won't have custody for two weeks after that). I even feel weird PICKING OUT things to list for when we DO register. I think it's normal for us to be very carefully guarding our hearts…because we really don't know what will happen. But what I keep trying to tell myself is that God already has this planned; placement or nor. I don't know which one it will be; but I do know that He let us be matched. And I can rejoice in that. I can also look forward to being in the delivery room and experiencing that awesome miracle, since that's much more of a sure thing. As hard as it is, I don't want to waste any time not being excited about Little Guy, because this may truly be OUR Little Guy. It's totally day-by-day…I'm praying for you! I hope you truly enjoy your shower this weekend; maybe that will make everything more real for you! ((hug))


  2. I feel the same way. I'm supposed to be flying out to get baby in a week and I still won't cut tags off of stuff. I don't think that fear will go away until everything is said and done.


  3. It was so nerve wracking washing Nora's clothes. I really had to psych myself up for it. It's so hard waiting.

    Aside from the obvious essentials, I was really happy that we bough a sling ahead of time. She went in there at a few days old and it really comforts her and is great for attachment. I apologize for the unsolicited advice but at 2 am I would pay about $2,000 for one:).


  4. RIGHT, and that's the bottom line…you ARE doing this! The fear and anxiety are normal, this is all uncharted territory! This is one of those times in your life when you are going to look back in a few years and wonder how you make it through this.

    But you will make it through this. You just have to slow down, take it one day…or one event at a time.

    You are in my thoughts!!



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