I should probably preface this with two statements:
1) I will be forty in, now, less than one month.
2) That doesn’t really bother me, except…infertility is banging on my heart again like it has nothing better to do every.single.moment of every.single.day.

So.

This morning at church we sang a new song. I mean, I don’t know how “new” it really is; I’m so out of every pop culture loop I *just* started to watch “Friday Night Lights” this month for the first time ever on Netflix.

Jon Guerra “I Will Follow”. You can view it on YouTube here. But if you don’t want too (although you should, you really really should) here are the lyrics:

when the sea is calm and all is right
when i feel your favor flood my life
even in the good i’ll follow you
even in the good i’ll follow you

when the boat is tossed upon the waves
when i wonder if you’ll keep me safe
even in the storms i’ll follow you 
even in the storms i’ll follow you

chorus:
i believe everything that you say you are
i believe that i have seen your unchanging heart
in the good things and in the hardest part 
i believe and i will follow you
i believe and i will follow you

when i see the wicked prospering
when i have no voice to sing
even in the want i will follow you
even in the want i will follow you

(chorus)

when i find myself so far from  home
and you lead me somewhere i don’t wanna go
even in my death i will follow you
even in my death i will follow you

when i come to end this race i’ve run
and i receive the prize that Christ has run
i will be with you in paradise
i will be with you in paradise

I started to cry about the second paragraph and could barely finish the song. Then I came home and downloaded it so I could listen to it over and over again.

“When I see the wicked prospering, when I have no voice to sing, even in the want I will follow you.”

The wicked prospering…in Scripture, the “wicked” are anyone who are not followers of Christ. I look around, and I see all these people who are prospering in various ways that we are not, and they are not followers of Christ, and I wonder…why?

And I want…oh, how desperately do I want, so many many things – things that are good and righteous and godly…

(and I know I’m not alone in either of these scenarios)

But God isn’t leading me down those paths. He is leading me where I am.

Somewhere I don’t wanna go…

But I will follow him anyway, taking comfort that someday…someday…

Someday…

I will be with him in paradise.