I used to be a middle school teacher. I interacted with about 150 students and a dozen or so staff members five days a week, nine months of the year. I love teaching. Early on in my teaching career, however, I realized I am the type of person that needs feedback – a lot of it. Positive feedback is, of course, the best, but I also needed constructive criticism, or at the very least, an acknowledgement that I was doing what I was supposed to do.

My husband and I had a conversation last week about me going back to work. Do I want to go back to work? Not necessarily. I mean, I miss the actual act of teaching, but all the other crap that goes along with it? Not so much. And we determined how much I’d have to make for it even to be worth it (daycare, clothing, car expenses and eating out – because if I was working I wouldn’t want to cook).

But I miss receiving feedback on a daily basis.

This week I had a conversation with a friends of my stepmom’s. Little Man and I had swung past my parents’ restaurant for a quick lunch, and this friend came in. We conversed for a bit, and she said a number of things that have stuck with me. But the thing that has stuck the most is when she encouraged me for staying home with a strong-willed two year old; how it is so worth it to be home with him, and what a difference I am making.

Words I needed to hear. Feedback.

You don’t get a lot of feedback as the stay at home mom of a two-year old. In fact, one day last week, every time I asked the child a question or to do something, he’d say, “No Ma’am!”

Every. Single. Time.

You don’t get performance reviews…raises…paychecks…bonuses…gift cards from grateful students and parents. You don’t get cute thank you letters written during English class, or the principal surprising you with a note with a monetary gift from a parent.

You get laundry. And tears. And plates upended onto the floor because “All done!” You get peed upon and snotted upon and pinched and hit (usually all by accident. I think!). You get a sinkful of dirty dishes at least twice a day, rude people at the grocery store, a mournful cry when you explain there is no horsie to ride at this store, open packages of potato chips and yogurt from the grocery cart when you turn to pull green beans from the freezer case. You get wet sheets and stinky diaper pails and bruised feet from stepping upon play french fries when you go to get a cup of milk at 3 am. You get tired from being up four times in the night. You get worried when your child is acting “weird” or ill.

None of that is feedback.

So instead, you have to find fulfillment.

Feedback is external; fulfillment is internal. Feedback comes from someone else; fulfillment comes from thequiet whispers of the Holy Spirit. Fulfillment comes when you realize everything you do can be a gift to Jesus – yes, even laundry and dishes and cooking and wiping noses and bottoms.

Feedback is easy, because you can usually just ask for it (unless you ask your two year old!). Fulfillment is not easy – it’s what I struggle with day after day, hour after hour, moment after moment, and sometimes second after second.

When you become a mother, your life changes overnight. But YOU do not change overnight. We brought home our son, and with the blink of an eye, I was “Mama.” But today, over two years from that homecoming, I am still becoming “her”.

When my son says “All done night night” at 5:45 am, after not sleeping until 9 pm and waking up four times in between… I just want ten more minutes of sleep (okay, or ten hours, let’s be honest). I don’t want to serve Jesus by happily greeting my son and starting our day.

When my husband, who leaves for work at 6 am, calls at 5 pm and says it’ll be at least two more hours before he gets home… I want to curse at my husband (even though I rationally know it isn’t his fault) and cry out, “Why me?” I don’t want to serve Jesus by fixing a complete meal for my toddler and joyfully entertaining him by myself.

When my son says, “No, Ma’am” for the 43rd time before noon…I want to snap and scream and lock him in his bedroom and go for a sweet tea. I don’t want to serve Jesus by being patient and loving and nurturing.

But I’m getting there. I am becoming the woman – the wife – the mother I think God wants me to be. Some days are easier and better than others, I will admit. There are days that I am joyful and happy to play “knock it down” 57 times and watch “Rack, Shack and Benny” 6 times, all while taking care of my son’s and husband’s needs. And then there are days I blow it so far out of the water I cry myself to sleep at night. I will never be perfect, but as I slowly start to remember that I serve Jesus and not myself, fulfillment starts to permeate my soul.

And that is better than any feedback I think I could ever receive.

{and because I’m always behind the rest of the blogosphere… Callah wrote a gorgeous post along the same theme. go read it and show her some love. oh, and feel free to show me some love, too. after all, i thrive on feedback 😉 }