I am angry at God. Read my crisis in faith post from last month. I have been angry because Little Man is still having sleep issues.
Sunday at church our worship pastor preached. I got more out of his sermon than any other sermon I’ve heard in the past six months. Here is what I realized during his sermon:
I am (was) angry at God because I (did) believe that if I had given birth to my son he would be sleeping through the night. I am (was) angry because once again my barren womb has (apparently) wrecked me.
Now, I have never been one to believe being angry at God is a sin. Can you sin in your anger at God? Absolutely. But anger in and of itself is not a sin. But my anger this time is ridiculous.
First, there is no way I could have given birth to Little Man. And not having him in this world would be such a loss. He is such a gift from God. Second, there is no guarantee that a child I bore would be a champion sleeper, and to assume so just makes me look like an idiot.
But infertility has reared its ugly head again to mess with me. Am I over being angry? Yes and no. Yes, I am over my anger with God. No, I am not over my infertility – I don’t think I ever will be. I think my infertility is my thorn in my flesh. I have significant control issues, and this infertility is God’s way of reminding me frequently that He is in control and I am not. I think that if I ever “got over” my infertility, I would lose something in my journey with Christ. It wouldn’t be there to point me back to Him, usually when I most need it.
Am I still tired? Oh, yes, so very tired.
But I am no longer angry about it. And that is a great way to start the new year.
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