about me · cloth diapers · feelings · Little Man · women

On My Brain Tonight

It’s 7:00 pm where we live, and this is what is on my brain tonight:

1) I smashed my finger in the lazy susan cabinet about 10 minutes ago. Lots of tears on my part and every tap of a letter on the keyboard reminds me I should pay more attention when putting away dishes. Little Man was frightened that I was hanging over the sink crying – he tried to climb up me. Finally I picked him up and he cuddled with me for a few minutes. He kept pulling my hands away from my face so he could watch me cry while he touched my face. Very sweet!

2) Our black lab – she’s 11 or 12. Sigh. Her ear is swollen with blood. She’s on meds, but if they don’t work soon, the vet is talking surgery. Surgery that she may not survive. Surgery that we cannot afford.

3) My husband worked in his office the past few weeks (instead of being on the road), but he’s back on the road this week. And it sucks. His hours have gotten worse again.

4) Little Man had his first ever dentist appointment today! Yay! He did very well. Of course, the appointment was for 9:30, which normally wouldn’t be a big deal, but he woke up at 6:00. Yea… you can see where this is going. By the time we actually saw the dentist, he was in pre-meltdown mode. But, I have to say, the guy was quick with the toothbrushing and the fluoride treatment. Plus LM got a balloon – he’s in heaven over the balloon. He giggled at it all the way out of the office and all the way home. I held him on my lap during this appointment – future appointments will be going back to the dentist by himself! But I have six months until I have to worry about that!

5) Little Man is going to be one next Tuesday. One. I can’t hardly believe how quickly this year has gone. It seems like just yesterday we were bringing him home and trying to figure it all out (not that we’ve figured it out, but, you know). People say time flies once you have children; I had no idea. I have been thinking a lot about his birth mother and wondering what she is thinking and feeling. We pray that she is doing well.

6) I’m not dealing well currently with women who define themselves by their children. Yes, I am a mother, but that is not all I am. I have other things to talk about than my child. I have thoughts and ideas and opinions.  I read on average a little over 2 books a week. I don’t want to compare my child and his development to yours. I want to talk about other things.

7) MOPS. Sigh. The number one thing is it costs a lot of money. A lot. And I’m not seeing much return on my financial investment, which not only frustrates me, but my husband as well. In addition to dues (which last semester covered one take home craft and some Operation Christmas Child box shipping) each semester, there seems to be no ending to service projects that we are doing (and there’s not really a way to not participate – or at least that option isn’t presented) and we’re supposed to provide food (for 45!!) four times this semester. I spent a few hours making chocolate covered pretzels on Monday, and brought home 3/4 of them. Really? Total waste of my time, effort and money. I could have been playing with my son and spending time with my husband who had the day off. Instead? I’m in the kitchen without them.

Plus, we’re not studying the book. There’s a theme, but I can’t figure out how the theme ties into what we do each week. Because my table is certainly not helping not be a mom alone. You can hear crickets chirping at my table (if people show up at all) and my interaction with these women between meetings? None. No phone calls, no emails, nothing.

And I realize I can’t do the moms night out things (again, cost is usually a factor, as is the fact my hubby doesn’t get home until 8:00 some nights), but I thought I would have people at least trying to get to know me. As the new mom, is it my job to reach out? Cause I can – at 3 am when I’m up for the 14th night in a row and I desperately need someone to talk to. The international website & emails promise “no mom alone.”
I still feel alone. And I feel alone at the meetings, because people stick to their tables and don’t talk to people that aren’t at their tables. It’s like a sorority. Which I was totally not in college. Because I don’t like to join. And because people inevetiably feel left out. And I’m not the only one. One girl left because she felt that way. Maybe I’m just chicken. Or maybe I’m too hopeful… it has to get better, right?

Sigh.

Wow. Guess that’s more on my mind than I realized!

8) Happier topic: birthday party! Keith and I are spending next Tuesday alone with Little Man for his first birthday. We’re having a family day. Then next Saturday we’re having some family and friends down to my parents’ (bigger house – more space) for lunch and cake and ice cream. No theme – no party favors – no games –  just family loving on our boy!!

9) I think I want to go to one of those paint your own pottery places and make a “you’re special” plate to use on special days (birthdays, good days, random “you need a pick up” days).

10) Yesterday a dear friend commented on how Little Man has such the booty. Ha ha! He has no booty – it was totally the cloth diaper! Yay for fluffy butts!!

4 thoughts on “On My Brain Tonight

  1. your poor finger!!

    and upon reading this post that i loved, i thought how i do talk some of our children's activities and stats…trying to get a feel of things i guess– but i do know the comparing game and don't like it… and i am like you- so much of my time is invested in my child that my daily rundowns and such can be about that, but the other convos can get lost when w/ a bunch of mothers… so start blogging about these books you read!!

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  2. I really do know how you're feeling about MOPS. I felt like that my first year, too. The thing I've realized is that a lot of these women don't have another place to talk about being a mom—their husbands aren't interested in their life as a mom. Some of them don't know how to base their identities on things other than being moms, so that's why they need the diversity of people like us! 🙂 Sometimes they just don't know that their lives don't have to revolve entirely around their kids.

    And, honestly, I haven't been all over you at meetings because I didn't want to take you away from making other friends. I'm sorry I was wrong about that. 😦

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  3. I have so many feelings on your MOPS expirience…I feel many of the same one and mainly do it to get a 2 hour break from Faith its the only break I get here in TX so I take it…that being said not one person has really reached out to me ( mind you I make it clear we just moved here and are having a rough time adjusting) and I agree tables stick to themselves for the most part which I always wonder why do we only get to know 6-8 people?

    I always see the magnet on my fridge that said ” No one mothers alone” and can't help but laugh as I have never felt so alone in my life ;(

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