One year ago, I was clinging to Jesus and my husband. We had just survived another Christmas, and I was tired of waiting. We were waiting for our son to be born and I alternately begged my husband for reassurance and spent hours curled up journaling, reading Scripture and crying to Jesus.

I wrote last week about how much I miss my husband.

I realized today how much I miss Jesus.

We rushed to church this morning, as is our practice since Little Man came into our lives. Keith was trying to let me sleep in a little and misjudged when he needed to wake me up. I rushed to get ready (sans shower), pack up the diaper bag, and get us on the road.

We slid into the parking lot with minutes to spare. Keith rushed Little Man to the nursery (he seems to do better when Keith drops him off) and I slid into a row of chairs in our worship space.

I have missed our worship. Last week I didn’t make it to church because of LM’s nap schedule. The week before that I was serving in our big room. In the past twelve weeks, I’ve probably made it to church six times.

But as I tried to quiet and settle my soul for worship, I was distracted by the fact the candles weren’t lit (see, I’m one of the lighting designers). So I lit the candles.

I sat down again, and tried again to quiet my soul and focus.

And I realized I can no longer focus on one thing.

Part of my focus is on my child: did he cry? will he cry? will they call? does he hate the nursery?

When I try to spend some time quieting my soul at home, my focus is also split: will he wake up? what was the noise? do I have enough time to really do this? what will I fix him for lunch?

My brain never stops.

I have trouble falling asleep at night because my brain. never. stops.

Never.

My focus is split.

I miss spending time with my Lord. I miss having the time to read, pray, journal and sit in utter silence and just wait on Him. I miss Him so very much.

And I don’t have any solutions or answers. I tried and tried to focus at church – to really listen to what I was singing – to really hear the preacher – to really listen for the Holy Spirit.

But my focus was split.

I used to be pretty good at the whole silence & solitude thing. I could quiet my brain rather quickly.

But now my child is on my brain 24/7.

I long for some silence and solitude. I desperately want to focus on Jesus and sit in silence or worship and just soak Him in.

Again…

I don’t have the solution or the answer.

I just know I miss my time with Jesus.