being a mommy · finances · firsts · infertility · Little Man


I haven’t been posting lately because, quite frankly, I’m a mess. But while I was thinking about this while driving today, I realize that either:

A) I’m not alone, so posting about it might bring encouragement to me AND someone else


B) I am alone, but writing about it will make me feel better.

So, hello, my name is Rachel, and I am a mess.

I had such high expectations for Christmas. Shocking, I know, especially if you’ve read my posts on the expectations I have for myself as a mother and my desires for Christmas. But things just don’t seem to be working out too easily. I so wanted a perfect Christmas, and it’s not going to turn out that way.  I know I don’t need to have a perfect Christmas, or that there is even such a thing as a perfect Christmas. But I wanted Little Man’s first Christmas to resemble those stories told in books and movies, I suppose.

I guess my only consolation at this point is that Little Man won’t remember this Christmas, as he’s only about to be one year old.

Holy cow, he’s going to be one year old in THREE WEEKS!

I digress…

We’ve had some financial issues. Nothing major, but nothing working out like we had planned, either. Anyway, it means that tomorrow – December 23 – I get to do ALL of our Christmas shopping. Lovely. And I so enjoy shopping (that was my sarcasm font – do you like it?).

My best friend had a death in her family, and although it was expected, it’s been very sad for them. And I love her entire family, so I have been weeping as well.

I’ve had a migraine for four days now, courtesy of the weather systems that have dumped approximately 16″ of snow in our area in the past two weeks.

I pulled a muscle in my chest/rib area, and it hurts unless I’m laying down.

I didn’t get matching pajamas for our family (see financial issues above).

People around me keep getting the stomach flu, and I am having anxiety attacks about me or my family getting it. (can you say “emetophobia?”)


A mess.

But I do have LOTS to be thankful for, of course. We have an amazing little boy. He’s no longer a baby. I realized that next Tuesday is the starting date to wean him off of formula. While I am super thrilled that milk is so much cheaper than formula, I am going to miss feeding him a bottle.

He is walking everywhere. In fact, I think running is shortly in our future. It’s amazing how quickly he is mastering the art of walking. And climbing. Just the other day he figured out how to climb up onto the couch and then slither back down on his belly, feet first. No one taught him that! He just knew!

He’s brilliant, in case I haven’t mentioned that before!

He loves to cuddle and hug, which I am trying to nurture. I am also trying to nurture the two naps a day habit he’s in. He is in such a better mood when he gets two naps.

Is he sleeping through the night? Well….sometimes. Last night he slept from 8:30 until 5 this morning. Then he had 4 ounces and went back to sleep until about 6:30. I let him play in his crib until 7, though. But the night before last he was up twice.

Overall, I am truly blessed. Just have to work through some anxiety and some emotions that are popping up. Last year I cried every time I heard about baby Jesus because I wanted to be a mother. This year I cry because I can’t imagine what Mary must have felt like, knowing from day one what was in store for her precious baby boy. I sob through songs on the radio, imagining having to sacrifice my son for the greater good. Oh, it’s killing me!!

So I am a mess. But I will live 🙂

8 thoughts on “Mess

  1. And you still have a moment to comfort ME? You're unbelievable! I know you feel like a mess, but I think you're wonderful. 🙂 You're lovely and sensitive and you have such a heart for other people. God's going to bless you this Christmas, I just know it!


  2. I feel your pain, believe me I do! I too will be doing almost all of my Christmas shopping (what little there will be) TOMORROW! And I too am taking that route not out of choice but out of necessity because we haven't had the money until now. And even now we don't really have it. *sigh*

    I've been trying to keep my spirits up and to remember that Christmas is NOT about what's under the tree, but instead it's about what's in our hearts but alas…that is much easier said than done!

    Merry Christmas to you, Rachel! I know how hard the struggle with perfectionism can be. I'm doing better with needing it all to be perfect this year but it is still hard. My parents always made Christmas so magical and I never knew what struggles they went through, they didn't let it show. Now that I'm a mom, I realize what an amazing feat that must have been!

    Hang in there…everything will be OK!



  3. A couple of years ago this crazy woman sued me right before Christmas and it totally messed up the holiday. I was a big scrooge about the money lost and the fact that it was not my fault. And I kept forgetting the Christmas is about Jesus and not about the presents and I was a big mess too. Then we got paid and it passed. You will get through this and you will get the shopping done and it will be wonderful. I promise.


  4. There's no such thing as a perfect Christmas, but it will seem perfect a year from now when you are a mess again. I'm going through the same thing, because last year was AMAZING (at least that's how I remember it) and this year, we are all sick, our roof is leaking, Alicia's car needed a $500 repair etc, etc, etc. But, I think that next year – I will remember it as perfect. Enjoy your first Christmas with LM.


  5. thank you, as always, for sharing openly, Rachel…I'll be in touch sharing back w/ you 🙂

    Merry Christmas– ea christmas is different and has memories b/c of it– I really think all around your family will have a great one 🙂



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