about me · faith · parenting · SAHM stuff

Selfish

I am inherently selfish.

This is what motherhood is slowly and painfully teaching me.

I have never claimed to be selfless, but I surely never thought I was this bad.

The thoughts that run through my head for the majority of the day are all about me.

I am tired.

I want a nap.

I want to get out of his house.

I want some peace and quiet.

I want to read my grown up book (aka NOT “Dig Dig Digging” for the 30th time today).

I want to surf the web and drink tea and not hear crying.

I want a day off.

Selfish. All of them. Every single thought some days is selfish.

Yuck.

Now don’t get me wrong – my child is healthy, and well fed, and well loved and well played with.

But secretly? Inside of me? Where no one but Jesus can see?

Dirty filthy rotten selfishness.

I don’t want to wash the dishes for the third time today. I don’t want to cuddle with my neurotic puppy. I don’t want to try and feed my teething toddler who is more interested in flinging food than eating it. I don’t want to play stack cups for the 13th time today. I don’t want to make dinner again. I don’t want to wait until 8pm to eat. I want my husband to come home before 7:30 pm, because I want a break from my teething toddler who is screaming. Again. I don’t want to mop up more spit up from the already-ruined carpet.

Selfish.

And I look at my mommy friends and see nothing but beautiful, peaceful, giving, selfless women. No one complains…no one looks selfish…no one looks tired or exhausted or out of patience. They tell wonderful glowing stories about how wonderful and beautiful it is to be a mother.

And it is. It is wonderful and beautiful.

But it is also character building and shaping.

It is hard work – “work-out-your-salvation-with-fear-and-trembling” hard work.

And the character quality that I need the most work on lately?

Self-less-ness.

Of which I have none, apparently.

I knew I would learn a lot from motherhood – but I didn’t know it would be so much, so soon, and so…painful.

9 thoughts on “Selfish

  1. I get it. From things you've said over the past few months, I have sometimes wondered what I would do if my daughter were a crier (and in no way am I suggesting that's your fault AT ALL…babies are all different!!!), because I'm selfish NOW, and my baby is just clingy more than fussy. And honestly, I'm glad you said what you did, because I can definitely tend to make it all about me, at least in my mind (where sin starts), even if I DO the right thing for her. Sometimes it's good to be convicted. This is one of those times for me. I will say, I wish we lived closer together…my grandma lives about an hour from your city. At least we could help each other out!

    Is there anyone who can come in and give you a couple-hour break a couple times a week? Relative? Friend? As much as we love what we do, it IS a job, and no one works an outside job 24/7 with no breaks without having a mental breakdown. Even Jesus took time out from being with people from time to time…He knows we need the rest mentally and physically. We can come back refreshed and ready to be totally present mommies.

    Praying for you, and thankful for your honesty.

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  2. I don't think I've learned to be unselfish as much as I've taught R to deal with my selfishness. He's ALWAYS had time every day when he has to play by himself. It teaches him how to play without me and gives me 20 minutes to do whatever I want. 🙂 Sometimes that means putting him in his crib with some toys and books while I take a shower or letting him stay in there and chatter for a little while after a nap. He's OK. Not sure I'll win any mommying awards, but I'm certainly not ruining him. He's learned to be a pretty content kid. I don't have to play with him 24/7, but he still gets enough love and attention to be kind and well-adjusted. We just had to figure it out! 🙂

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  3. If it makes you feel any better, I have similar feelings sometimes. I don't really enjoy re reading the same book over and over or playing trucks either. I think it's perfectly normal. Mommies are good about keeping appearances. And, I think when mommies are in public, we are all so happy to see each other that we don't show our internal selfish feelings. Just my two cents :).

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  4. the picture-perfect selfless always content and happy moms have the same thoughts and actions, too– we all do- it's ok to have the feelings, it's what we do with them…and you're taking care of lil man putting HIM FIRST ALL THE TIME HUGS

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  5. You have some great comments here, so I'm just here to expound on them a little…
    You are normal. We all struggle with selfishness, or we wouldn't be human. There are NO perfectly peaceful, giving, or selfless people out there. Just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it isn't in their lives. Maybe they hide it better, but there certainly is something positive to be said about being real in our walk with Christ. It is good to talk with others about our struggles so we can help each other with ideas of how to get past them. We need each other.

    Secondly, don't forget that you can say 'no' to your son- Very rarely would I ever reread a book to my kids. Boring. I didn't sit and play with them for hours. Maybe some would consider me neglectful, but I think my 16yo is turning out quite well. N is old enough to play by himself, near you, for a long time. I'm sure you can find something that interests him for 15 minutes at a time and build that time up. My kids wanted to be involved in whatever I was doing, so if I was making supper I had them playing in the cabinet with plastic containers, etc. (And I do remember being frustrated with the mess at times.)

    It IS hard work. And it is selfless. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

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  6. I hear you!

    Parenting has certainly revealed to me my ultra-selfish inner core.

    And how!

    And it's extra hard when your spouse's daily schedule is to be gone for such a long portion of the day.
    It can be Crazy-Making.

    Which is why the blog can be pretty therapeutic – can't it?

    At least for me – it is.

    From one selfish mother to another – I'm with you. The good, the hard, the bad – yes, I understand.

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  7. Parenting is hard and being a SAHM is very hard. I've got lots of those same selfish feelings I just don't allow myself to voice them.
    It gets even harder as they get older because they want more of your attention when it comes to playing, but I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. I just wish I could handle myself better when I need a break. Oh and my hubby is rarely ever home in the evenings. Get him for a little bit during the day (like 30-60 minutes) 5 days of the week, that's it. So I really here you on that part.

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