My cousin is pregnant. I’m overjoyed at her pregnancy; yet at the same time I’ve sobbed uncontrollably three separate times since hearing the news. At 5:30 last night. (okay…and make that four).
We were supposed to have dinner with my parents last night. Little Man is battling an ear infection and had only had two doses of antibiotics and no afternoon nap…so I called to cancel on dinner. That’s when my dad told me that my cousin is pregnant. This is their first pregnancy (that we are aware of) and she is 12 weeks along. I’m glad he told me over the phone, because I could hang up and not embarrass myself with my reaction.
It’s the why that is killing me.
I get that God is in control of my life. I get that God is in control of everything. And while I don’t believe He sits up in Heaven and moves us around like chess pieces, and while I believe we have free will which gives us a lot of leeway in what happens to us (and others around us, sometimes, unfortunately), I believe that God does ultimately have a plan.
My question…the one that is making me cry at weird times lately…is why does His plan include infertility for us?
Why can’t my husband and I make a baby?
Will I ever be at peace with my infertility?
Will my barrenness ever not bother me?
And this has NOTHING to do with being a mother. This has nothing to do with Little Man. My husband and I have the most amazing, most beautiful, most precious little boy on this earth. And I am forever grateful for that…for him…for his birthmother, who chose life for him.
Infertility, however, is not cured by adoption. Even though I get to experience parenting, I still don’t get to experience life inside of me.
And the why is the hardest part.
Why can I not get pregnant? Why can people who don’t want to get pregnant? Why do people who don’t want their babies get pregnant? Why do people who don’t love and serve God faithfully get pregnant? Why are we being punished (even though, rationally, I realize punishment has nothing to do with it)? Why can’t we just grow our family whenever we want? Why does this have to be so hard? Why doesn’t my body work? Why doesn’t my husband’s? Why, God, why can’t you explain it to me on this side of Heaven? Why does my cousin get to play a cute “let’s reveal we’re pregnant” game with my parents instead of us?
I know it’s a selfish and pathetic cry, “Why me?”
I know I should approach it from the perspective of “Why not me?” It’s obvious our marriage can handle the strain of infertility. We handled the adoption journey. We have been blessed with a son who is by far cuter than anything our DNA could blend together and design. By not having a biological child we are ending some pretty unhealthy cycles in our families.
I can’t seem to handle it from that perspective. I can’t seem to escape wanting to know why this is the way it is (and not physically – I know the medical results – I mean the reason). I can’t seem to make peace with my infertility.