faith · infertility

The "Why" is the Hardest Part

My cousin is pregnant. I’m overjoyed at her pregnancy; yet at the same time I’ve sobbed uncontrollably three separate times since hearing the news. At 5:30 last night. (okay…and make that four).

We were supposed to have dinner with my parents last night. Little Man is battling an ear infection and had only had two doses of antibiotics and no afternoon nap…so I called to cancel on dinner. That’s when my dad told me that my cousin is pregnant. This is their first pregnancy (that we are aware of) and she is 12 weeks along. I’m glad he told me over the phone, because I could hang up and not embarrass myself with my reaction.

It’s the why that is killing me.

I get that God is in control of my life. I get that God is in control of everything. And while I don’t believe He sits up in Heaven and moves us around like chess pieces, and while I believe we have free will which gives us a lot of leeway in what happens to us (and others around us, sometimes, unfortunately), I believe that God does ultimately have a plan.

My question…the one that is making me cry at weird times lately…is why does His plan include infertility for us?

Why can’t my husband and I make a baby?

Will I ever be at peace with my infertility?

Will my barrenness ever not bother me?

And this has NOTHING to do with being a mother. This has nothing to do with Little Man. My husband and I have the most amazing, most beautiful, most precious little boy on this earth. And I am forever grateful for that…for him…for his birthmother, who chose life for him.

Infertility, however, is not cured by adoption. Even though I get to experience parenting, I still don’t get to experience life inside of me.

And the why is the hardest part.

Why can I not get pregnant? Why can people who don’t want to get pregnant? Why do people who don’t want their babies get pregnant? Why do people who don’t love and serve God faithfully get pregnant? Why are we being punished (even though, rationally, I realize punishment has nothing to do with it)? Why can’t we just grow our family whenever we want? Why does this have to be so hard? Why doesn’t my body work? Why doesn’t my husband’s? Why, God, why can’t you explain it to me on this side of Heaven? Why does my cousin get to play a cute “let’s reveal we’re pregnant” game with my parents instead of us?

I know it’s a selfish and pathetic cry, “Why me?”

I know I should approach it from the perspective of “Why not me?” It’s obvious our marriage can handle the strain of infertility. We handled the adoption journey. We have been blessed with a son who is by far cuter than anything our DNA could blend together and design. By not having a biological child we are ending some pretty unhealthy cycles in our families.

And yet…

I can’t seem to handle it from that perspective. I can’t seem to escape wanting to know why this is the way it is (and not physically – I know the medical results – I mean the reason). I can’t seem to make peace with my infertility.

9 thoughts on “The "Why" is the Hardest Part

  1. {{{HUGS}}}
    It took me awhile to really be over it. And even though I can say I'm all over it and it doesn't bother me I still have my moments. It's similar to missing my dad who passed away a few years ago. Things remind me of him and I get sad, but it's just for a time. And those times get shorter and easier to handle.

    You'll get there and until you do allow yourself to cry anytime you want without feeling bad. It's a loss that has to be grieved.

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  2. Everyone deals with at least one difficult issue in life. That happens to be yours. I wish I could answer the “why” for you—really, I wish I could—and I wish I could fix it for you. We all have “whys,” I guess. Why is my body trying to make me as miserable as possible at such a young age? I don't know. That's my struggle. I think part of it is God trying to get me to rely on him to fill my needs. If that's not the “why,” then it's definitely the “how,” as in how he uses it to refine me. That's the best answer I've got!

    I love you!

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  3. feel free to ignore me, since i'm not a parent, but something i've learned from knowing both birthmothers AND adoptive parents who dealt with infertility is that without infertility, MOST adoptive parents wouldn't have the children they are raising.

    you know how a lot of people say, “if you adopt, you'll get pregnant”? although it really isn't an appropriate thing to say, and although it doesn't mean infertility is cured, sometimes God DOES allow couples to conceive AFTER they adopt because He knew that while biological children were in His plan for them, so was that adopted child. and sometimes His plan doesn't include biological children – i've heard of parents who found out after the fact that if they'd conceived, their mix of genes would've passed on terrible diseases. and sometimes, they'd have perfectly healthy kids, but it would come at the cost of not having their adopted children.

    some people can deal with that, and some can't. we aren't supposed to know everything God knows. we can guess, we can assume based on what He does reveal, but we'll never know until we're with Him. until then, all i can say is that i'm praying for you & hope that you will be able to find enough joy in the children you are given that it eventually eases the very real & understandable pain you have because of infertility.

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  4. Oh my gosh…I feel like you are reading my thoughts. My sister in law is pregnant with her first, and although I was so excited for her, I was so sad for me! I'm so happy to see that I'm not the only one out there that feels this way. I always feel like I am being selfish…including 2 nights ago when I threw ALL of the baby shower invitations that were on my fridge on to the floor! 🙂 I firmly believe that I have been given a huge blessing and compliment from God in that He trusts me to adopt a baby (we are in the process now)! May God bless you and help to heal your heart.

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  5. For some Reason, I didn't read this until this morning, and I got chills. I just had a similar experience with a friend announcing her third yesterday. I kept saying, I'm so happy for you, over and over and over again. In my head I was like, I'm Happy, I'm Happy, Damn It I'm Happy. It was like I was reinforcing myself, and then I cried all the way home. Why? I've been blessed with my 2 wonderfuly boys, and yet I just can't shake the Infertility. Look at how much love I have for them, and God makes my heart want more. Right there with you, I ask WHY?

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  6. Its been 5 years and two successful adoptions since our last IVF cycle, but the grief still sneaks up on me from time to time. As you said, it has nothing to do w/being a mom – i love my kids completely. i still long for the experience of creating a life, of growing it inside me.

    as with any loss, i think its normal for it to hit you from time to time and certainly seeing someone close to you experience the very thing you're grieving is stir up some mixed emotions. i know every time someone in my life is pregnant I feel jealous and sad all over again.

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  7. Rachel I feel this same way…I literally have like 11 FB friends who are pregnant. Some more deserving than others and I think why me why cant it be easy for me why cant i get a big belly ( from pregnancy that is 😉 and feel a life inside of me…Faith is my life and even if we only are able to adopt forever i would feel full but i would just like that expirience and i would like for once for things to be easy on my husband and i when it comes to making a family…

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