being a mommy · faith · sleep

Really, God? Really?

For about two weeks, I’ve been pretty heavily convicted I need to take better care of myself. I am not particularly healthy right now, emotionally, physically or spiritually. I know I need to exercise. I know I need more sleep (although some of that is beyond my control). I need to spend time with Jesus.

Yesterday’s sermon at church was directed at me.

Okay, well probably not specifically and only at me. I’m sure other people got something from it. But we’re in a series on marriage and yesterday’s sermon was how parents can make sure to protect their marriage while in the throes of active parenting.

Did you know that couples raising an infant – 5 year old argue 97% more than they did before having children? NINETY SEVEN PERCENT.

I think around here it’s more like 100.

Anyway…

One of the points of the sermon was how important it is for parents to be healthy.

So I pray. I journal. I tell my accountability partner my new plan. I arrange it with my husband.

Last night before bed, I specifically prayed that I would gladly wake up when my alarm goes off at 4:50 (am!) so I can take myself to the local community center to work out before my husband leaves for work at 6am.

Little Man wakes up and starts in at 3:15ish.

Not to be deterred, I decide to get up at 4:50 anyway. I mean, I’m up. I’ve been up since 3:15ish.

I get ready.

I drive to the community center.

They have changed their hours and now open at 6am.

Really, God? Really?

I drive home and pull into the driveway and the torrent of tears is unleashed.

My husband says we’ll work something out in the evenings, but I’m telling you…evenings around here are pretty darned unworkable. He gets home after 6, so it’s dinner, bedtime for baby, clean up the house and try to get in some adult time, all before we crash around 9.

Really, God? Really? You convict me to get healthy, You give me an idea how to do it, and it’s unworkable.

We can’t afford a gym with child care…

So I get home and calm down and decide to do my time with Jesus, which was the other part of this new turnover.

Today’s passage:

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Yep. Matthew 11:28-30. This is like, oh, I don’t know, the 27th time this has popped up in my life in the past two weeks.

Really, God? Really?

Rest?

With an infant who refuses to sleep through the night?

The same infant that is now sitting in my lap after screaming for a good hour and a half throughout this morning?

The same infant who has suddenly started to refuse to take naps?

Rest?

When?

How?

Where?

I’m so tired I cried because the gym was closed and I couldn’t work out. I CRIED! Who cries because they can’t get to the gym?

I think I really cried because I saw a glimmer of hope that I would have – GASP – an hour to myself every morning.

Ha ha ha. What was I thinking?

I’m sure there’s a lesson in here somewhere. I do know that God loves me and has my best interest at heart.

(I also know I’m afraid to pray for solid sleep, because part of me is afraid something bad will happen to the baby to make sleep around here possible (and yes, I know God doesn’t really work that way…but my judgment is way off, caused by sleep deprivation).)

But right now I can’t see it. I can’t hear it. All I can do is battle back the tears because I am so tired and I know I need to change, but I have this baby I love with all my heart that I’m responsible for and he won’t change, so how can I?

How, God? How can I fit it all in? How can I find time to spend with You, and time to exercise so I’m healthy and have the energy to chase around Little Man?

How will You give me rest?

Because I’m so tired right now….

Really, God. Really.

8 thoughts on “Really, God? Really?

  1. Hey you, keep you chin up. Does community center have a child care area? The only way I get to the gym is by dropping Jack at the Kids Club. 5.oo an hour.

    My neighbor across the street also comes over for free when I need an hour to myself. Maybe God wants you to look for help from someone you know? I'll say a prayer for you today.

    Hugs!
    PS Hubs and I bicker more now too πŸ˜€

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  2. I had the same problem. I finally was excited about working out and was getting meaningful exercise in EVERY SINGLE DAY. For three weeks. Then my back got screwed up. The thing that makes my back healthy is the very thing that makes it worse! I feel like I can't win!

    I'm sorry you're frustrated with LM. We've all been there! Fortunately, they're called “phases” for a reason—they come and go. I look forward to their going far more than their arrival, but it will pass. You're doing a great job and he'll figure it out!

    BTW, you can always drop LM by me and head to the gym. Not a problem!

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  3. I'm so sorry things are so rough for you right now… have you thought of an exercise video? Before this pregnancy, I was doing the 30 day shred. It's only a half hour and I found it to be really productive.. or since the weather is getting nice, long walks outside? I know when my son was younger, being outdoors would calm him.

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  4. Your post rings true to me. You're so right. I know hubs and I have argued so much more in the last four weeks since Bryce has come home. It's tough stuff…especially since we're both so competitive…it's nuts. Very often I say those same words: Really, God. Really? And tears def. fall over silly things. I cried over Mcd's putting cheese on my burger…I didn't want to walk in and get a new order. Ha! Try to take care of yourself. This time will pass…deep breath! πŸ™‚

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  5. I hear ya, I hear ya. I have an 18 month old who is STILL not sleeping through the night. Yup, a year and a half of not a full night's sleep. (((hugs))) Sometimes motherhood can be so isolating. I'm the same way about asking for my girl to sleep through the night. One night I prayed, “Lord, call her to you soon” meaning, call her heart at a young age so she accepts Jesus at a young age…then I panicked because it sounded like I was asking to take her HOME, as in Heaven. Shudder. Isn't that silly? Like God doesn't know what I really meant?

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  6. Found you through Stirrup Queens…

    If it gives you any comfort, I could write these same words. I'm at SAHM to a 2.5 yr old and a 4 yr old. After struggling to have children, we decided to adopt and I love my boys so much and am unbelievably grateful for the blessing of being their mom…yet I struggle w/the same issues you are facing. My 4 yr old has some minor special needs that, among other things, make sleep a realy struggle for him. How do I find time for myself, my husband, my family & friends? How do I handle the frustration and stress of parenting w/o letting it overwhelm me?

    I'm sorry your exercise plan isn't going to work out (though I know its about more than that). Take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself – motherhood is hard work.

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  7. Try walking (especially when you know who refuses to nap). Put him in the stroller and do interval training. I know the point is you'd rather be alone to work out – who wouldn't ?- but some days it's all I can manage.

    Don't give up!

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  8. the afraid to pray for solid sleep thing is so me!!!! I pray lately to get me back with my whole family and instead of me thinking that will take me back to CA I'm like what if God thinks I mean get us all back together and we all die in a tragic accident ! Im crazy like that πŸ™‚

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