For about two weeks, I’ve been pretty heavily convicted I need to take better care of myself. I am not particularly healthy right now, emotionally, physically or spiritually. I know I need to exercise. I know I need more sleep (although some of that is beyond my control). I need to spend time with Jesus.
Yesterday’s sermon at church was directed at me.
Okay, well probably not specifically and only at me. I’m sure other people got something from it. But we’re in a series on marriage and yesterday’s sermon was how parents can make sure to protect their marriage while in the throes of active parenting.
Did you know that couples raising an infant – 5 year old argue 97% more than they did before having children? NINETY SEVEN PERCENT.
I think around here it’s more like 100.
One of the points of the sermon was how important it is for parents to be healthy.
So I pray. I journal. I tell my accountability partner my new plan. I arrange it with my husband.
Last night before bed, I specifically prayed that I would gladly wake up when my alarm goes off at 4:50 (am!) so I can take myself to the local community center to work out before my husband leaves for work at 6am.
Little Man wakes up and starts in at 3:15ish.
Not to be deterred, I decide to get up at 4:50 anyway. I mean, I’m up. I’ve been up since 3:15ish.
I get ready.
I drive to the community center.
They have changed their hours and now open at 6am.
Really, God? Really?
I drive home and pull into the driveway and the torrent of tears is unleashed.
My husband says we’ll work something out in the evenings, but I’m telling you…evenings around here are pretty darned unworkable. He gets home after 6, so it’s dinner, bedtime for baby, clean up the house and try to get in some adult time, all before we crash around 9.
Really, God? Really? You convict me to get healthy, You give me an idea how to do it, and it’s unworkable.
We can’t afford a gym with child care…
So I get home and calm down and decide to do my time with Jesus, which was the other part of this new turnover.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Yep. Matthew 11:28-30. This is like, oh, I don’t know, the 27th time this has popped up in my life in the past two weeks.
Really, God? Really?
With an infant who refuses to sleep through the night?
The same infant that is now sitting in my lap after screaming for a good hour and a half throughout this morning?
The same infant who has suddenly started to refuse to take naps?
I’m so tired I cried because the gym was closed and I couldn’t work out. I CRIED! Who cries because they can’t get to the gym?
I think I really cried because I saw a glimmer of hope that I would have – GASP – an hour to myself every morning.
Ha ha ha. What was I thinking?
I’m sure there’s a lesson in here somewhere. I do know that God loves me and has my best interest at heart.
(I also know I’m afraid to pray for solid sleep, because part of me is afraid something bad will happen to the baby to make sleep around here possible (and yes, I know God doesn’t really work that way…but my judgment is way off, caused by sleep deprivation).)
But right now I can’t see it. I can’t hear it. All I can do is battle back the tears because I am so tired and I know I need to change, but I have this baby I love with all my heart that I’m responsible for and he won’t change, so how can I?
How, God? How can I fit it all in? How can I find time to spend with You, and time to exercise so I’m healthy and have the energy to chase around Little Man?
How will You give me rest?
Because I’m so tired right now….
Really, God. Really.