Obviously I am no longer waiting for anything in our adoption journey. Well, perhaps I am now waiting for wisdom as a mother, but I think that will be an ongoing process.
But Sunday at church, there was this brief video about waiting. It talked about waiting in line and waiting in traffic and how waiting seems worthless. Then there was this line:
“Perhaps what God is doing while you wait is more important than what you are waiting for.”
That line has stuck with me all week. Here it is Thursday morning and that line is still running through my head. Basically, it tells me that as important as Little Man is in my life, what happened while I waited for him is more important.
While I waited…to be approved for adoption…to have the homestudy complete…for my husband to do his bio…to be matched…to meet Little Man’s birthmother…for Little Man to be born…God was doing amazing things in my life.
I have to admit…waiting brought me closer to God than I ever thought possible. And now…now that I’m not waiting on anything…I don’t feel as close to Him. That’s sad. The journey was, in Christian-speak, a valley experience. In the valley (of waiting) I had nothing to do but cry out to God and listen to Him and sit in His lap and be held and comforted. Now that the waiting is over and I’m “busy” I don’t have that. And my busyness is all good…I’m raising our son and keeping our house and serving my husband….but my busyness keeps me away from God.
And that isn’t good.
Now having said all of this, I live in fear that something will happen to my son or my husband to force me back to my knees…force me back into the valley of waiting. In reality, I know life doesn’t usually work that way, but still…
Also having said all of this…Little Man is SO important to me…but I think what I learned about God in the process of the wait IS more important.
And I miss Him…
danielthree18 
Rachel, I totally understand…I've been feeling the exact same way. I had no other choice than to sit and commune with the Father and I get so irritated with myself that now that I'm out of the valley, I just don't seem to have that sweet fellowship. Pretty sure it's my fault! 🙂 Anyway…just wanted you to know you aren't alone!
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We just had to go and have our physicals done again to update our home study and it broke my heart just a little. To still be waiting. To tell the doctor that our last adoption fell through. It isn't my fault, but I felt embarrassed and I shouldn't. Now with all this bad job stuff going on, I feel even more alone and depressed.
Our pastor was talking last week about how we all have these cycles when we find ourselves in a place of bitterness. I feel like I'm there, and God's teaching me to trust him even more. For a job, for a child. It isn't easy. Not one bit.
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I can totally identify with this post too!! Waiting was a valley experience for me & the closeness to God was absolutely AMAZING. Then, when LB was born, life got “busy” and it is effort to make sure I spend daily time with the Lord, whereas when I was “waiting” all I wanted was to be in the Lord's presence all the time. I've actually thought to myself that it is GOOD to be in a place where you need God like that. I need God now too though, as I parent LB, but it is certainly not the same intensity as it was while I was waiting….
Love this post.
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Sometimes I feel like that, too. Like if I don't stay close enough to God on my own, something scary is going to happen to MAKE me rely on him. I know God's not mean or anything that he would want me to suffer, but, unfortunately, he does see the good experiences like that can end up doing. Is that kind of “fear of the LORD” good or bad? Hmm. I don't know.
Good post! Makes me think!
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Totally thinking these EXACT thoughts today. I miss Him, too…and I'm trying to figure out how to get enough rest and still get up early enough to have one-on-one time with Him for more than 5 minutes. I keep thinking of that phrase, “You make time for what's important to you.” I know He wants us to be good moms and understands the time that it takes, but I can't help but admit that if I would turn off the TV or get off the computer, I would find a little extra time…
Right there with you.
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That quote popped up as a certain someone's status today on FB. 😉 It's a good one, and makes one think. God's concept of time is not like our own.
And yes, the waiting and the delays… but the rewards can be so huge with a little bit of divine patience.
–A
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You are so not alone in this. I think it's a constant struggle. I know that while we were waiting for our adoption to go through, there were moments so agonizing and frustrating, the waiting was an ordeal that covered a million (mostly negative) emotions. Yet if I hadn't had to wait, my heart would NOT have been ready for our son. God used that difficult time to change me and prepare me and in the end, I also become much more reliant on Him. Now I have what I've been waiting for and in a strange sense I feel like my prayers don't have quite the same depth to them.
Anyway thanks for sharing.
Take care and have a lovely weekend.
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Rachel,
Thanks so much for your message. I've read that book and it's a great read on race, one of my favorites. This current post of yours is so very true. We spent from August 2006-February 2010 actively involved in the adoption of our kids We learned so much while we waited. and now that we aren't in the adoption waiting pool, it's kind of weird. I sometimes get that feeling that my walk with God is different now, like I find myself less dependent on Him because there is a much greater temptation to put faith in my own devices. Anyway, I'll have to pop back in over here. It's always fun to read others thoughts on adoption and their thoughts as a transracial family.
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Very well said. It was the same for me and I've gone through very dry periods over the past 2 years and I've walked closely again at times. It's hard to keep everything in balance.
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I love this post. You inspire me. 🙂
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