It’s 3:30 am where I live.
Little Man is (finally) asleep (again) across my lap.
He’s had a growth spurt. Or scary dreams. Or something. He keeps waking up every two hours. He’s not hungry. He’s tired.
As am I.
But try explaining THAT to a seven week old.
On top of that, this particular bout of screaming awakeness woke me out of a dream where he and I had been kidnapped.
So now I just want him laying here, with his crunchy breathing and his drool soaking through my pajamas.
I absolutely love being home all day with my son. But I’m beginning to understand why some women say they couldn’t stay home every day. It’s hard. And I second guess every decision.
For example…today he was awake from about 7 am until almost 11 am. I kept telling him (as he was screaming) that he was tired. I was rocking him. And giving him his pacifier. And holding him. And patting his back. And doing everything I know how to do to put him to sleep. But he resisted.
Suddenly…in the back of my head comes a foreign voice. It says things like, “You don’t know what you’re doing.” “Quit trying to force your baby to sleep.” “The judge will take one look at you and give the baby to the bailiff and you’ll leave court emptyhanded on Thursday.” “You can’t do this.”
Day care would be easy…at least they would have a schedule for him. And entertainment. And multiple people.
I just cried along with him.
I don’t really believe that foreign voice in my head.
But this mommy thing? Tough. Rewarding. Lovely. Fulfilling. Amazing. Tough.
And why don’t women TALK about this? Why is there just competition among women? Why didn’t my friends warn me that around now is the hardest part – mommy is tired, baby is kind of boring (sorry, it’s true – babies can be boring), it feels like a perpetual grind that will never end.
Again, there are massive rewards (he smiles at me!). But why don’t women discuss these things? Why do we, instead, shoot disapproving glances at women who make different choices than us…who rear their children differently…who have crying babies or babies with dirty faces in public. Why can’t we just support one another?
Oh well…maybe this is why I shouldn’t post at 3 am 🙂