Baby · being a mommy · bonding · surprises

A Little of This and a Little of That

Wow! It’s been almost a week since I posted something, and that was just pictures. I don’t want to become one of those blogs where I am too busy to post. I love hearing from others after they have adopted, and my hope is I am helping out one or two people with my blogging.

Of course, there’s a distinct possibility no one is reading this, which is fine, because then it still serves as a journal!

Okay…tidbits from my life…

I am e.x.h.a.u.s.t.e.d.  Last night Keith took the midnight feeding, and then after I fed Little Man about 6am, Keith played with him until he fell back to sleep, so I got to sleep until about 8:30. So today I am actually feeling much better than I have in weeks. It’s hard, this sleep deprivation thing. Don’t let anyone lie to you. And yes, I’m sure it will get better, but telling me that DOES NOT HELP right now 🙂

I am finally feeling connected to Little Man. He turned three weeks old yesterday (I cried) and it’s taken me that long to realize he is really ours and he isn’t going anywhere. That, and he smiled at me. That helped. Also, I know he knows I’m the Momma because I have that magic touch to calm him down!

We’re using cloth diapers almost exclusively now. I have found a few websites to be very helpful. Little Man has frog legs, so sometimes the covers get wet, but we haven’t had any blowouts or leaks. Yea! It’s actually not such a big deal – at least, not as big a deal as I thought it would be. Yes, it’s two more loads of laundry each week, but since Little Man generates more laundry than I thought humanly possible for such a tiny being, big deal, right? Plus I love his fuzzy little butt and his pants fill out nicely!

I am sick of television. Did you know that when you have a newborn you are SO exhausted you can’t even focus on a book? Well, it’s true. I’ve been watching LOTS of television. Most of it is “educational,” or so the channels want you to believe. But I’ve had just about enough of bringing home babies, special deliveries, 18 kids and so on and so forth. And in the middle of the night one night while I tried to stay awake while feeding my son, I watched something about toddlers and their mothers’ desires for tiaras. Then I promptly thanked God repeatedly that we have a boy.

I had my first major meltdown on Sunday. Keith went ahead to church early to serve, and I had decided we weren’t going. A) It’s hard to get myself AND Little Man ready to go anywhere on a schedule and B) it was nine degrees outside. Nine. Like not even ten. TOO cold. But about 9:45 I got ambitious and decided we should go. Well, Little Man was sound asleep in his bassinet, so I got into the shower. Ten minutes later when I got out, he was SCREAMING his head off and turning purple from the exertion of it all. I. Lost. It.

I lost it.

I burst into tears. I pick him up and apologize about a thousand times. I try to put him down so I can change his clothes and take the wet towel off of my head – no good. I call Keith at church and am hysterical and beg him to come home. In the midst of it my mom calls and can immediately tell something is wrong.

Sometimes you just want your mommy, you know?

Keith comes home. Little Man is sound asleep. I’m still sniffling and crying. My mom comes over. I’m finally done crying. Mom stays, I take a nap…all is restored in the world.

But I was SO upset. He was scared and sad and it was MY fault. Oh, will I ever recover? Yes, I will. But still…what a horrible feeling. All the girls in my small group said that it won’t be the last time I have such a meltdown. But it was horrible in the midst of it. I know, looking back, that there was no harm…he was fine…he would have been fine even if he cried himself to sleep. But, oh, it was SO painful for me to see him so upset.

Then, that night, at small group? A golden retriever scratched his head. No mark – not even a red one. But it woke him from a sound sleep and he started screaming again.

I’m just mother of the year, huh?

So that about catches us up. I bought a new diaper bag today – man those things are expensive. Did you know they sell diaper bags that cost almost $200?!?!?!?!?!? I have never paid that much for a bag. Luckily I found one by Carters that I really liked that wasn’t nearly that expensive. Yes, I bought one before we brought home the baby, but it wasn’t really all that functional. And now that I’ve been out with the boy a few times, I know what I need!!!

If you have time, pop over to see Erica and wish her well on her son’s upcoming surgery. I cannot imagine how scary this must be for them, and they are weighing heavily on my heart.

That’s another thing: suddenly I cry all the time and am acutely aware of the possibility of massive loss in my life. I cry at commercials and radio jingles, television shows and magazine articles. I live in dire fear that something will happen to Keith or Little Man…and then what will I do? I mean, it’s not debilitating fear. I go on with my life and I drive places with LM in the backseat, but still…who knew a mommy’s heart had all of that in it?

7 thoughts on “A Little of This and a Little of That

  1. I don't know much about having a newborn (yet, anyway) but I do know I have loaned my entire series of Friends dvds to friends with newborns. A half hour sitcom seemed to be perfect when they were feeding. Maybe you can borrow, buy or rent something like that. I have loaned my disks out many, many times and every mom seems glad to have them.

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  2. Hey lady, was just catching up and wanted to say thanks for the shout out. I really appreciate it.

    I can totally related on the fear of loss. Whoever said having a child is like letting your heart walk around outside your body was dead on. It'll start raining when I'm driving and I'll start praying that I make it home…or that hubby makes it home. Suddenly, I'm accutely aware of how fragile and delicately balanced everything is. And how totally out of control I really am. {sigh} I guess that's what the “wait” was for; to teach me that it's all out of my control and I just need to let go.

    Erica

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  3. There will come a time when you stand there and watch your little one tumble from your grasp and smash their little head on the tile floor. Well, at least I did. You are not a terrible mother. It happens to the best of us, over and over again!

    I am glad to know that I am not the only one with a case of the weepies! It has been 10 months and I still have them!

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  4. I'm with you on the melt downs. Happened tonight, actually. We lost power & I was here alone with C. I had to go down to the basement to turn off the battery power thingy & didn't want to take him with me. I put him in his crib and turned on his battery operated musical LIGHTS and sounds crib toy. He was happy when I left the room. Well I got back upstairs after several minutes of fumbling around in the dark, cold basement and he was hysterical. He had managed to turn OFF the lights and sounds toy & was sitting there all alone in the pitch black room. My heart broke when I realized what had happened, I could still cry now just thinking about it. I felt like such a BAD MOM! I held him & rocked him for a few minutes. He is perfectly fine but I still feel terrible! He must have been so scared during those few minutes & where was I? UGH!!!

    Thank God children are resilient and forgiving little people!

    I won't waste space telling you it will get better because I know you already know…& it doesn't rally help anyway when you're in the moment.

    None of us are perfect & it's hard to resist the urge to try to be. I think adoptive moms are even more meticulous in this area and sometimes we just need to give ourselves a BREAK! We waited so long and went through so much to get our precious babies that we realize they are exactly that, PRECIOUS. So then when the inevitable bad things happen it seems that much worse to us. It's all a learning curve that I'm sure we will keep having to master as our boys grow.

    Hang in there & keep the posts coming. I, for one, love them!

    Hugs,

    Melba

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  5. THANK YOU for posting with honesty about these things b/c I am more often than not feeling like an inequipped or alien mother by most's comments of “isn't this heaven on earth? is he a good baby? does he sleep thru the night? isn't it all so wonderful?” well, um all of the above and none of the above and a bunch of emotions and experiences in between! but i usually just nod and feel inadequate. thanks again. i'm there with ya. here's to a good night of rest for us.

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  6. Oh, I had a meltdown at 230a once that woke DH up. Boy was crying and wouldn't stop, I'm crying and pleading with him, and… yeah. That's what baby-induced insomnia will do.

    My best friend broke me of the freak-out mode whenever he burst into tears at the most insignificant things – stop it, she said, or you'll drive yourself into the ground. She was right.

    And as for the diaper bag… well, four months later I'm still using the black bag given to us by the hospital – what, by enfamil or whatever? It suits the purpose. I'll eventually find a backpack that does the job without spending $50-60. What a ripoff.

    *hugs*
    Allie

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