It’s Wednesday afternoon. S had a doctor’s appointment this afternoon and said she’d call this evening once she got home. I’m at the point in the journey where I wish I had never said a word to anyone, because I keep getting texts and email messages and fb messages wanting updates.
I don’t have an update. Don’t you think I’d give you an update if I had one???? Of course, I don’t say that. I smile (or inject a smile into my voice) and respond politely that “we’re just waiting” as if this isn’t the biggest thing ever to happen in our lives.
I had quite the breakdown in the shower this morning. My best friend adopted their daughter three and a half years ago, and she told me the last two weeks were the worst part of the whole experience (except the hospital…but I’m not there yet, so I can’t worry about that yet). I didn’t go back to school this week because I knew that I would be useless with my students. I’d just stare at the phone all day. At least here at home I can get things (useless things, probably) knocked off of my “to-do” list.
For example, I’m currently ripping CDs into i.tunes so I can pop my i.pod onto the clock radio in the nursery and choose up a playlist for the little one.
I’ve super cleaned the house, I’ve read two books in two days, I’ve slept a lot (although I can’t seem to sleep at night for fear I won’t hear the phone ring!), cooked, cleaned some more, done laundry, cleaned some more, organized stuff, been to Good.will, dropped stuff off for recycling, played with the dogs (who LOVE that mommy is home!). Overall I’ve enjoyed being a “homemaker!” I can see how I will enjoy being home from work.
But at the same time…I have running ever so faintly in the back of my mind this refrain: “She changed her mind. She had the baby and no one called. She’s going to change her mind after you bond in the hospital…etc. etc.”
Which I KNOW isn’t true. I have such an overwhelming sense of peace…but I have that little niggling fear in the background. I already called S today – I was on my way to the store and wondered if she would like anything specific to snack on at the hospital. We had a great chat. Baby is warm and cozy (and probably knows it’s below zero here and the forecast calls for massive snow tonight) and she is totally uncomfortable and wants Baby to be here.
I know she’ll call tonight and then I’ll have more information and I’ll be less emotional and more informed (see previous posts). But this is definitely a difficult time!
Plus I’ve about had it with a close family member who is an alcoholic. He keeps asking me inappropriate questions while sloshed and last time that happened, I got a little snippy. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but I’ve had it with his questions. If he’s sober, it’s different. So hubby & I have to have a very difficult conversation with a close family member and basically say that if he’s been drinking, we will not answer ANY questions about adoption. If he’s sober, and we think the question is appropriate (or any of his business) we will answer it. But if he has been drinking…we’re not talking to him.
I wish my posts were all happy and rainbows and sunshine 🙂
Sorry that they aren’t…
But when I started this, I committed to being honest. And this is honestly how I feel.