about me · blog etiquette · feelings · infertility


It’s 6:49 pm where we live. It’s Sunday night.

I spoke to S on Christmas Eve. She was surrounded by her family members that she loves the most. She was “eating pie for two” because she can.

She teased me that I can’t eat for two 🙂

Baby has dropped – she feels lots of pressure and some pain – she doesn’t think she’ll make it until the 9th.

I’m not sure I’ll make it through the night.

There is no handbook for this. I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll say it again…but there’s no “What to Expect When You’re Adopting.” I read through Rebekah’s posts right before her son entered the world and thank God she kept a record of her feelings. While I’m not sure I’m normal, at least what I’m feeling is similar to what she felt.

Last night we were shopping and K recommended we write a book so when other couples are two weeks out, they can know what to expect. He said something to the effect of,  “It’s at this point you just want to hit something because you’re so frustrated with waiting.”

I am just tired. I’m tired of waiting for the phone to ring…I’m tired of the nasty comments I get on my blog…I’m tired of forcing a smile because everyone in our life is so happy for us…I’m tired of the overwhelming apathy that has embraced me…I’m just tired.

I’ve already cried twice today. I think I’m going to bed when I’m done with this post.

To answer a few questions I’ve gotten lately:

1) I don’t live in OH anymore, but when I did I lived in Cincinnati
2) I teach (taught?) at a private school where, yes, prayer is an expected event
3) Yes, I know adoption doesn’t cure infertility. Drugs & surgery cure infertility. Maybe. Adoption, however, allows people to become parents who want to become parents and children have families who wouldn’t otherwise
4) Equality in the triad? I don’t know…is there really such a thing as equailty anywhere these days? Everyone suffers loss – varying degrees, true, and the loss affects people in various ways. I’m not equating myself with anyone else – I just know how I feel.

Anyway…if you feel like leaving a nasty comment, don’t.

I am aware that S has feelings…I am aware that she is “giving up” her son.

However, I am also aware of the other thousands of things that have gone into her decision making process, and you aren’t.

So in my exhausted state, I say to you: if you don’t have something nice (positive, encouraging, hopeful, Christlike, etc.) to say – DON’T SAY ANYTHING.

To those of you who do leave positive and encouraging comments, feel free 🙂

Maybe next time I post it’ll be with pics of our little one…

10 thoughts on “Exhausted

  1. The haters need to get out of here. It's so rude that they continue to come back time after time, as if by them saying stuff, they will completely change your mind about adopting this little guy.

    Whatever, just keep deleting their comments. Don't let ANYTHING steal your joy.

    I know you are tired, I'm getting there too, with just 45 days left! The waiting is hard, but soon it will be a blink of an eye and you will be holding your little one. Keep holding on to hope girl!

    2 weeks!!!!!

    You always have me to support you so email me anytime you need someone to lift you up!


  2. I am wishing, hoping, and praying that your finally days before the birth of your baby go quickly and happily. I can't even imagine the roller coaster of emotions you are going through right now. Hang in there!


  3. Keep your chin up girl! I know it's hard, but it is so worth it in the end!!

    I am so sorry you are getting nasty comments from others. Just remember, they are ignorant, or bitter, or heck.. maybe both. Feel thrilled that apparently you are so AWESOME that they must think about you all the time, and then feel sorry for them that they have nothing better in their lives to do than stalk potential adoptive parents and leave hate mail. Sad souls they must be…..

    Sending some positive vibes and prayer your way!


  4. Keep hanging on, Rachel! You have every reason to feel exhausted and stressed and and ready to hit something right now. This part will be over soon, so just keep going, whatever it takes…tears, apathy, forced smiles, and all.

    I hope you and K really do write that book. And I don't mean that in a vague “someday” kind of way…I mean start writing!


  5. Silly blog world! You are totally normal! Don't let the haters get to you. I love that you are so transparent in your writing… becuase you are human and have human feels and aren't always (and shouldn't) be worried about how everyone else feels!

    You guys are in my thoughts during this home stretch!


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