about me · adoption myths · anti-adoption · blog etiquette · feelings

How to Respond


Little did I know that I would inspire such hate and venom from total strangers.

I have struggled all day with how to respond to the hateful comments I have gotten about yesterday’s post. I don’t know why yesterday’s post resulted in such comments; certainly, I feel I have posted things what would be more prone to receive such comments. But perhaps yesterday was the day for people to come out of the proverbial woodwork and attack adoption.

Ironic, isn’t in, since it’s National Adoption Month?

Anyway…I wasn’t the only one attacked yesterday. My love and prayers go out to Rebekah as well.

But here’s how I choose to respond:

1) I will not post any more hateful comments. I will delete those that are already posted. If you are truly interested in a dialogue about open adoption, there are forums for that. If you are truly interested in educating adoptive parents, there are forums for that. I am not such a forum. I am simply one woman navigating her way through building an open adoption relationship.

2) If you attack another commenter in any way, I will not post your comment.

3) If you appear uneducated about adoption, I will not post your comment.

People – stop judging. Stop it. None of you knows anything about our situation.

My favorite anti-adoption comments are the ones insinuating that S:

a) is young (she’s probably a lot older than many of the women who spit acid at me yesterday)
b) uneducated (she has a college degree and is starting on her masters)
c) will be unable to have children in the future (this is not her first child)
d) is being coerced, manipulated or victimized (She contacted the lawyer. She chose us.)

I realize this isn’t MY baby…I get that, people.
I realize this is S’s Baby – and I will.
Every. Single. Day. Of. My. Life.
Why do you think I want an open relationship with her?

And if she changes her mind, it will suck.

For us. Not for her…not for her son. But for us.

But you know what? I will still love this woman. She will still have a special place in my heart…in our lives. And I will still pray for her. And her child. Should she change her mind TOMORROW I will do those things…should she change her mind at the hospital – I will do those things.

Whether or not God intends for this child S is carrying to be our child – He intends for this child to be a child.

To have life.

That was not always a possibility.

But now it is.

So whether I get to bring home this baby in a few weeks…or whether I have to wait another three years and be matched with 17 other women who change their minds …I will enjoy preparing for the arrival of our child.

Our baby showers – recommended by smart, dedicated women – are not for THIS child. They are for A child.

Just like showers for bio pregnant women.

And I will forever be grateful for S.


For those of you who think that trying to find ways to pay for the adoption expenses is wrong, I have to say this: I would think any parent would prefer their child come into a home that isn’t riddled with debt and money problems, which, by the way, is the #1 cause of divorce. Yes, having a child is expensive. But for us, as adoptive parents, 0% of it is covered by insurance. 0%. We are truly grateful we have for the friends who are trying to help us avoid mass debt.

12 thoughts on “How to Respond

  1. Thank you so much for posting a response to people that express such hateful words to people they don't even know. Live and let live – spread words of encouragement not hate. If only everyone believed in “love thy neighbor”. Stay strong!


  2. You are loved—just like your child will be—by all of us. And my family will be at your fundraiser with bells on! Well, if I can find some bells… đŸ™‚


  3. I'm sorry you were attacked in your blog. I didn't see what was going on, so I'm only going by your post. I think that there are many of us all walking our own path to create a family, and it is impossible to fully understand the situation of another. So, there is nothing to do but support each other.


  4. De-lurking to say sorry to hear you were attacked (I didn't happen to read the comments – I guess I am glad for that). As a fellow waiting-to-adopt mom I so appreciate being able to read your blog and those of others who are going through the same experience, and we all lose so much when you have to censor what you say or risk hatred from small, small people. Hang in there!


  5. WOW…sounds like I missed a bunch of crap comments yesterday. I am so sorry for those. you are right, people don't have a clue…even though they know a woman who has a friend who's neighbor adopted… Hang in there! You have the right mind frame going into this! God has the perfect child already picked out for you!


  6. I know that my comment may be deleted…just as the other adult adoptees' comments were..but I really hope that you start reading some of our blogs to prepare yourself for the road ahead.

    No matter how much you will love the child you will raise as your own, or how much that child will love you as his parents, one day, he will feel loss..the loss of his heritage, the loss of his natural family. And you need to know that he will need your support, and not to be told that he's a “hater” or has “no idea about adoption”.

    To be honest, the fact that there's even a “National Adoption Month” is just sad. Adoption is deep rooted in loss. It's NOT the happy occasion for everyone involved..least of all the adoptee.

    Just some things to think about…I wish you peace.


  7. Rachel – sorry you were attacked yesterday. It's so easy for people to be critical, especially those who have had bad experiences. You sound well prepared and cognizant of what lies ahead.


  8. I have to tell you, respectfully, that even if my adoptive parents hadn't been abusive, I STILL would have issues surrounding being adopted. I lost out on 34 years with my natural mom and siblings and that's really a hard pill to swallow.


  9. Don't let negativity stop you from blogging honestly.
    You are going through all the same emotions that a pregnant woman is going through you just don't get to blame it on the pregnancy.
    I'm so glad you are having a shower before the baby comes. We waited until after which meant we had to buy everything that was needed at the beginning, crib, car seat, stroller to mention a few. We did lots of fundraisers and even received a grant. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. Like you and others have said adoption is not covered by insurance.
    Enjoy the anticipation of that call to get to the hospital. It will change your life and you'll learn as you go.


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