adoption journey · Baby · fear · school · The Wait

Today’s Random Thoughts

Seriously…these are random!!

I have the urge to nest: clean & rearrange the kitchen, sterilize the bottles & nipples & pacifiers I’ve gotten, launder all the gender-neutral clothes, spend my gift cards I got at the shower.

I also have the adoptive-mommy fears: if I do those things, the adoption will fail, so I may as well continue to sit on the couch, utilize my DVR for hours on end, and blog about my random thoughts.

I haven’t heard from the lawyer in over a week. S got a new place, and the optimistic side of me knows that she is busy settling in, getting a phone, etc etc.

The adoptive-mommy side of me fears she has changed her mind and we’ve been gyped out of some serious cash.

Of course, throughout this whole process, Thursday has been the “magic” day. All of our news seems to have come on Thursday.

That’s tomorrow…so maybe we’ll hear something tomorrow.

I’m taking Friday off because the hubby is going hunting and I’m going to have some quality alone time.

Hopefully it’s the last for a long time, because I’ll have a baby.

Baby is due January 9. I’ve had two “helpful” friends tell me in the past week that their babies were due on January 9 and were born on December 19 and December 21. Holy crap. That’s like 6 weeks from now.

Am I ready to be a mommy? In six weeks?

Holy crap.

How come no one wants to buy us the bedding we picked out? Cause it’s so expensive, right? I feel like we are hemorrhaging cash…

But we actually have a fundraiser planned for November 23.

What if no one shows up.

I read an article today about 42 things that change after you have a baby. A sad number of them dealt with how I’ll have more respect for my body, I’ll love my body more, I’ll be amazed at my body, blah blah blah. What???? Why can’t they focus on life changes instead of physical ones? I’m pretty sure once a month I’ll still hate my body. Right now, surrounded (literally) by glowing pregnant friends & family, I feel nothing but betrayed by my body. It won’t grow life…it hurts me once a month…it makes me sad…it craves pregnancy comfort food and has gained 20 pounds since April…it stubbornly refuses to lose said 20 pounds…

Really? Having a baby will change all that?

And what’s with the recent rash (3 mentions in 3 days by 3 different people) insinuating I should adoptive breastfeed? I’m all for it…except the medical therapy could possibly induce a stroke in me. I’m already sad enough I can’t breastfeed…why all of the sudden is this a topic of (apparently acceptable) conversation by people in my life? Truly, I want to tell them it’s A) none of their business, B) highly personal and C) NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!

I am thankful today to a friend who told me when she was bio pregnant with her child, she lived in utter fear that something would go wrong. She didn’t put her nursery together until 2 weeks before her daughter was due. She said fear is normal.

Finally….something I’m feeling is normal.

Of course, I only tell certain people I’m petrified. Like y’all 🙂

My friends at school want to throw me a shower. Since Saturday’s went well and all, and because if I do bring Baby home in the next 10 weeks I’m pretty sure I won’t want dozens of germy people handling him (or hundreds of germy students wanting to take a peek) I’ve given them the okay to have it before Christmas.

They opted for before Thanksgiving, since another girl at school is pregnant with twins and we need to have a shower for her, too, and there’s really only 2 dates available. I’m on a field trip the day of her shower (although I’m excited to get her a present!).

I held a baby yesterday who is three weeks old. He was so tiny. Will I really be responsible for someone so absolutely tiny and helpless?

Will my maternal instincts kick in? How will I know what Baby wants and if I’m doing it right?

I meet with a pediatrician tomorrow…at least I feel like a responsible mommy-to-be!!

Definitely random, yes? But I’m feeling much more positive than last week 🙂

12 thoughts on “Today’s Random Thoughts

  1. Reading your post was like echoing the thoughts in my mind. Our emom is due Jan 8th and am wondering if she will be early too.

    I try myself to relax and enjoy this time but can't seem to.


  2. So due to the lovely and positive and encouraging comments I'm getting from anonymous people who obviously have no concept of modern adoption, I'm requiring comment moderation – AND Id's – effectively immediately.

    Sorry to those of you who are mature and responsible and actually care about each other…you'll have to have some patience while I sort out the haters!


  3. Oh wow, you didn't know that modern adoption is essentially the same as adoption of the olden days?

    Fundamentally adoption is based on loss. A woman loses her child, a child loses their mother. Sure they are replaced with another mother, but it's just not the same.

    In addition to the foundation of loss, adoptees are discriminated against by all but 6 states in the U.S. We are unable to receive our own original birth records because of laws that keep us 'forever children' in the eyes of the government. How is it right that my birth mom can access my original birth certificate, but I cannot? This causes a host of problems…since 9/11 there are many adoptees who cannot obtain passports because we have ammended birth certificates that are not valid.

    There is a growing number of adult adoptees that are speaking out and educating adoptive parents and potential adoptive parents about adoption…since you are in the process, you would be wise to listen to the experiences, as one day your child will grow up to be an adult adoptee.


  4. WHOA…

    Rachel, bless your heart, I am SO SORRY you had to read such awful words.

    1. You are loved, and I hope and pray that you don't let that junk get you down.

    2. PLEASE don't let it stop you from blogging honestly. You have no idea who needs to hear EXACTLY what you have to say.

    3. There is no doubt in my mind that God has created and chosen a child just for you to raise (Read Psalm 139:16), YOUR child, and I believe that He is knitting that child together in the womb of a very special woman whom he has also chosen (whether it's S or someone else) right now. In my book, that makes you a mother already.

    4. Pregnancy, whether it's biological or adoptive, is absolutely terrifying, and also exciting and wonderful. Know that the fear is totally normal, but don't be afraid to enjoy the enjoyable parts.

    5. Adoption is expensive…much more expensive than a biological birth that is covered by health insurance. My husband and I actually talked about adoption when we were having trouble getting pregnant, and we determined that we had no idea how in the world we could afford it and didn't think it could ever be an option for us. Do the fundraiser, and don't listen to the negativity.

    6. You ROCK. Keep doing what you're doing. You're an amazing friend, and you're already an amazing mother.


  5. What's up with all the adoption-hate comments you're getting here? Those people are CLUELESS, seriously!! Don't let them get to you!

    As for the other stuff, I'm pretty sure your mommy instincts will kick in right away. Being a new mom to such a tiny little person is scary, but probably not as much as you might imagine.




  6. Jenna –

    I totally agree that adoption is centered on loss. Everyone involved in adoption suffers loss. Everyone.

    I've been educated through countless hours of parent education and adoption education. I have spoken to first mothers, adoptees, and adoptive parents alike. I am aware of what this is going to involve. Is involving.

    I also agree that education is a wonderful thing. But bitterness and hate are not. I don't consider these previous comments as education. Maybe if there was a way to intiate an actual conversation with these people, I would maybe consider their comments as an invitation to offer education.

    Unfortunately, these comments lead me to believe these women are not interested in educating me – or any other adoptive parent -at all. They are only interested in spreading their hate. Or sadness. Or bitterness. Or whatever it is that I prayed tonight would be released from them.


  7. Oh my goodness, we are in the same exact boat…hand me an oar! I couldn't have said many of the things you mentioned better. Induction date is January 10th. I'm “programmed” for that date…what if baby comes sooner…aahhhhhh! Speaking of weight, I have 10 years of no-baby weight to shed. That would be a good topic for my next blog post. That's so nice that you're going to have another shower. I keep thinking that it would be nice if someone bought us something (nothing big…a crib would do), but we're choosing not to do a shower. My own fault (and insecurity). Good luck with the pediatrician tomorrow. I'm right here with ya'! Hang in there….


  8. BTW, I would have erased those negative comments if I were you…of course most are anonymous. This is your blog. Hope you didn't let it get to you. How ignorant of them to go on a waiting to adopt blog to spread their ugliness.


  9. Oh hon, I'm so sorry someone was so hurtful. Erika is right on, Fear is Totally Normal. And you have been so brave and strong to lay it all out here, and to pray for those being hurtful. Whoever said that stuff must not know you very well, because you are going to be a wonderful loving caring mother. As for the fundraiser, not only is it a great idea, but frankly I think it speaks as a sign how great the community as well as your family supports and rallies around you as parents and how much this baby will be loved.


  10. Random? Yes! Did it put a smile on my face? ABSOLUTELY! I am so glad that you are in a better place right now. Its so good that you are in a place where you are trying to move forward and not let fear control your life!! 🙂 So glad you are allowing them to throw you a shower! You are going to have a great time! I hope you like the pediatrician you go see tomorrow!


  11. Rachel,

    This post is not in any way shameful–it's honest! And there's something to be respected about how you are able to express your innermost thoughts about a frustrating issue–the cost of adoption! Yes, adoption is very expensive, and it shouldn't have to be that way. You can't put a price on the life of a child–it's invaluable. Unfortunately, the adoption “industry” is the product of what society has come to. You know in your heart that you're doing the right thing, what God is leading you to do. He will continue to do great things in your life. Keep on keeping on!

    And you said it right–bitterness and hate are not education. If adoption opponents wished to simply educate, they wouldn't be constantly monitoring every single positive adoption blog out there, leaving hateful comments after every new post. Perhaps these people should spend their time more wisely–by working to change legislation in order to make sure that adoptees have rights. In my opinion, that's far more important than leaving “educational” comments on blogs. These people are right–adoptees should not be treated as second-class citizens–but some people's approach to changing that is at best laughable. Stop leaving nasty comments and go out and actually do something about it! Words without actions mean nothing. I am praying that the Lord will channel their energy elsewhere in order to see a positive change for adoptees. Common sense tells us that nothing good can be accomplished in an environment that fosters hate, bitterness and resentment. Unfortunately, some people still have not figured that out yet.

    Rachel, remember, the Lord says, “Be patient and you will finally win, for a soft tongue can break hard bones.” (Proverbs 28:13)


  12. Have you though about fostering or foster care adoptions? Unlike pre-birth matching (which is exploitative for all parties involved) you won't have to worry about the natural mother deciding she wants to parent her child, and you will be providing a home to a child who really needs one.

    After all, isn't that what adoption was created for?


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