adoption journey · birth mother

Help! I need advice!!

SO…our lawyer called us a little over a week ago. S, is moving into a new apartment on November 1. She (so I’m told) shyly asked the paralegal if she thought we would want to maybe come see her new apartment, let her make us dinner, and meet her other children.


We’ve gone from a fairly closed situation (by S’s initial choice) to a fairly open situation (again, by S’s choice).

We are a little…speechless. We aren’t opposed to open adoption, obviously, but we weren’t headed down that path. Now we are.

Here’s where I need help:

Saturday we are meeting with our social worker. We just feel like a little more counseling would be good for us (me & the hubby). So my question: what would you have asked your social worker/agency/facilitator if you had the chance?

The other thing: I know there are birthmothers who read my blog, and I am very respectful of them and grateful to them. Ladies (both birthmothers AND adoptive mothers who have great open relationships with a birthmother), I would love to know what you suggest for our meeting. I’m curious what to wear, should I bring a housewarming gift, should we bring the other children gifts, is this a good sign, etc. etc.

I would just love any advice and encouraging words you might have for this situation. We don’t have a date scheduled yet, but I imagine it will be soon!

Thanks, everyone!!

6 thoughts on “Help! I need advice!!

  1. We just met with our counselor this past Monday because we've had some BIG openness issues arise in the past week…we told her EVERYTHING we were concerned about, and felt much better afterward. Because our BM is starting to want things to be more open, the hubby and I discussed exactly how open we are ultimately willing to be before we ever went to see our helped us lay down some parameters for what the future may bring. Hope you can really tell her exactly how you feel…be as honest as possible!


  2. Hi. Our situation started out with birthmom not wanting openness and now it has become more open. I think she'll be attending Nora's baptism. I think she didn't know how she'd feel so she wasn't sure maybe until after Nora was born.

    I think the more time you get together the better. It really helped us in the hospital to already have met a couple of times so that we could speak more openly and trust each other. It will also be good for your child so you can share more.

    It does seem like a lot that she wants to make you dinner but she's probably just very grateful to have found the home she wants for her baby. (This never crossed my mind until a post-adoption letter from our birthmom). You could bring something as a gesture. If she likes to cook maybe some gourmet spices, candles or a house plant. That way it doesn't feel too extravagant but it acknowledges that you care and wanted to give her something. I really struggled with whether to bring a gift pre-birth at the hospital and ended up giving C a care package and I could tell she really appreciated it. I'd say go with your instincts on this one since you know best.

    It sounds really positive!

    P.S. I always struggled with what to wear but at the second meeting wore nice jeans and a nice sweater.


  3. WELL I'm a birthmother in a closed adoption, in 1986. However, I am in reunion with my daughter, and it is going splendid. It has changed my life completely.

    If I were you, I'd dress casually, maybe a little dressy, but not too much. Don't overdo it. She is going to be feeling just as anxious as you are. Believe me. I never got to meet my daughters adoptive parents in 1986, but I have seen them twice since reunion and they are the absolute greatest.

    I'd bring presents for the children. That is almost a must. Nothing big, but just a little something to acknowledge them.

    Remember, she is just as nervous as you are. She is giving her baby to YOU, so she is sitting on pins and needles also.


  4. VERY COOL!!! We've never met our birthmom face to face, only talked on the phone, but I would say a housewarming gift would be a great idea! Maybe something for the whole family??? Not sure what that would be, but something.

    As for what to wear, something you feel comfortable in and nothing too fancy that you wouldn't normally wear. (you don't want to portray yourself as something you're not)

    Have fun and good luck!!!!


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