First, I have to say thanks to DINA who posted a comment on my last post. She’s new to my blog, but she left wonderfully helpful info. However, I don’t know what “pink lotion” is that she uses for her son’s hair. And I can’t seem to find a way to track back to her and ask.
Second, thanks to Denver Jen for the formula info. I’ve received some free Similac (4 containers, actually) but I need to sign up with Enfamil, I guess.
Third, just thanks to everyone who leaves comments. It helps to know that people are reading my blog. If you’re lurking, take time today to leave me a comment 🙂
Question: What is “pink lotion”? Is it just Johnson’s or Baby Magic? Dina – if you read this, can you please tell me what pink lotion is? Anyone else?
Question: Why do people put dots in brand names? For example, today I bought some Garanimals for Scooter. Am I supposed to put dots in there for some reason? It doesn’t seem to do anything if I don’t…
And now for today’s musings:
I go to a church that started a new type of service in August. It’s much more participatory, much less consumer-driven. You can stand. Or not. You can kneel. Or not. You can leave to go to a quiet room to pray. Or not. It’s really awesome. And the worship leader tends to design huge chunks of songs back-to-back, so often there’s a good 15-20 minutes of nothing but music, leaving the worshippers to do just that: worship however they see fit. I’ve found that this is an excellent time to journal.
I journal my conversations with God. Not all of them, mind you, because I’m trying to be one of those “pray without ceasing” girls. Women. Whatever. The point is, since I started this infertility journey, journaling has been a saving grace.
So this morning I was journaling about what I’m afraid of now. You see, I’m very much at peace with adoption. I’m at peace with having a black child in a translucent family (seriously – you should see how pale I am). I’m at peace with S and the communications we’ve had. In fact, S has offered to have us over for dinner (that’s a different, soon-to-be-coming post!) and I’m at peace with that.
But apparently my soul can’t resist fear. So I realized today what one of my most deep-seated fears about this is.
In two weeks my family is throwing me a baby shower (us, my husband says, even though he won’t be there – they’re throwing us a baby shower). So anyway, my mom, step-mom & mother-in-law are throwing it. Well, my mom wanted to me to go shopping with her yesterday for decorations. I told her my only request was no “fat chicks” on the decorations (apologies to any pregnant women out there – when you’re infertile, sometimes you come up with the craziest defense mechanisms. One of hubby’s is refering to pregnant women as fat chicks!). But she was insistent I go along. I grumbled. A lot.
A: I hate shopping. HATE it. Unless it’s for things like books or other people.
B: Why do I have to help decorate for my own shower?
C: Really, I hate shopping.
So anyway…this is a much longer story than I anticipated. Sorry…
So anyway…again…I grumbled. Mom said she would cancel the shower if I didn’t want it. Although, come to think of it, she didn’t say that very gracefully. I told her I was afraid no one would show up. She said like already 12 people have said they were coming. Yea! (then I got on one of my registries to update it – and people bought us stuff! Is it cheating to track your registry?)
We went shopping. I found really cute baby shower decorations (pics in a few weeks) that don’t have a fat chick on them and aren’t cutesy.
But then today I started talking to God during church. And my fear isn’t that people won’t come to the shower or shower us with gifts.
I’m afraid these people – my family – won’t love my child.
Wow. Where did that come from? In all of our counseling, in all of the family counseling, in all of my family’s joy over our adoption, I haven’t acknowledged this.
I need to deal with this. Now.
I’m afraid they are disappointed Keith & I didn’t try harder to conceive a child “of our own.” We didn’t take drugs or have medical intervention – frankly, we could only afford one option, and adoption is pretty much guaranteed by our lawyer (it may take two years, but it’s guaranteed).
I’m afraid that my family will forever resent my child, because they are different.
I’m afraid when I bring home my child from the hospital, there won’t be flowers and balloons and homecooked meals delivered by others – no baby gifts, no visits, no offers to spend a few hours at the house so I can get a nap.
Because I’m not giving birth.
So will they see this child as a valid member of our family? Will they understand that I will go through the same things every other brand new mother does, except the painful delivery and recovery?
Will they love my child?
I’m afraid they’ll see adoption as “second best” instead of the best choice that it is for our little family.
Where did all of this come from so suddenly?? Will I ever just be at peace over this process?