adoption journey · Baby · blog friends · faith · family · fear · infertility · questions

Thanks, Questions and Musings…

First, I have to say thanks to DINA who posted a comment on my last post. She’s new to my blog, but she left wonderfully helpful info. However, I don’t know what “pink lotion” is that she uses for her son’s hair. And I can’t seem to find a way to track back to her and ask.

Second, thanks to Denver Jen for the formula info. I’ve received some free Similac (4 containers, actually) but I need to sign up with Enfamil, I guess.

Third, just thanks to everyone who leaves comments. It helps to know that people are reading my blog. If you’re lurking, take time today to leave me a comment 🙂

Question: What is “pink lotion”? Is it just Johnson’s or Baby Magic? Dina – if you read this, can you please tell me what pink lotion is? Anyone else?

Question: Why do people put dots in brand names? For example, today I bought some Garanimals for Scooter. Am I supposed to put dots in there for some reason? It doesn’t seem to do anything if I don’t…

And now for today’s musings:

I go to a church that started a new type of service in August. It’s much more participatory, much less consumer-driven. You can stand. Or not. You can kneel. Or not. You can leave to go to a quiet room to pray. Or not. It’s really awesome. And the worship leader tends to design huge chunks of songs back-to-back, so often there’s a good 15-20 minutes of nothing but music, leaving the worshippers to do just that: worship however they see fit. I’ve found that this is an excellent time to journal.

I journal my conversations with God. Not all of them, mind you, because I’m trying to be one of those “pray without ceasing” girls. Women. Whatever. The point is, since I started this infertility journey, journaling has been a saving grace.

So this morning I was journaling about what I’m afraid of now. You see, I’m very much at peace with adoption. I’m at peace with having a black child in a translucent family (seriously – you should see how pale I am). I’m at peace with S and the communications we’ve had. In fact, S has offered to have us over for dinner (that’s a different, soon-to-be-coming post!) and I’m at peace with that.

But apparently my soul can’t resist fear. So I realized today what one of my most deep-seated fears about this is.

In two weeks my family is throwing me a baby shower (us, my husband says, even though he won’t be there – they’re throwing us a baby shower). So anyway, my mom, step-mom & mother-in-law are throwing it. Well, my mom wanted to me to go shopping with her yesterday for decorations. I told her my only request was no “fat chicks” on the decorations (apologies to any pregnant women out there – when you’re infertile, sometimes you come up with the craziest defense mechanisms. One of hubby’s is refering to pregnant women as fat chicks!). But she was insistent I go along. I grumbled. A lot.

A: I hate shopping. HATE it. Unless it’s for things like books or other people.
B: Why do I have to help decorate for my own shower?
C: Really, I hate shopping.

So anyway…this is a much longer story than I anticipated. Sorry…

So anyway…again…I grumbled. Mom said she would cancel the shower if I didn’t want it. Although, come to think of it, she didn’t say that very gracefully. I told her I was afraid no one would show up. She said like already 12 people have said they were coming. Yea! (then I got on one of my registries to update it – and people bought us stuff! Is it cheating to track your registry?)

We went shopping. I found really cute baby shower decorations (pics in a few weeks) that don’t have a fat chick on them and aren’t cutesy.

But then today I started talking to God during church. And my fear isn’t that people won’t come to the shower or shower us with gifts.

I’m afraid these people – my family – won’t love my child.

Wow. Where did that come from? In all of our counseling, in all of the family counseling, in all of my family’s joy over our adoption, I haven’t acknowledged this.

I need to deal with this. Now.

I’m afraid they are disappointed Keith & I didn’t try harder to conceive a child “of our own.” We didn’t take drugs or have medical intervention – frankly, we could only afford one option, and adoption is pretty much guaranteed by our lawyer (it may take two years, but it’s guaranteed).

I’m afraid that my family will forever resent my child, because they are different.

I’m afraid when I bring home my child from the hospital, there won’t be flowers and balloons and homecooked meals delivered by others – no baby gifts, no visits, no offers to spend a few hours at the house so I can get a nap.

Because I’m not giving birth.

So will they see this child as a valid member of our family? Will they understand that I will go through the same things every other brand new mother does, except the painful delivery and recovery?

Will they love my child?

I’m afraid they’ll see adoption as “second best” instead of the best choice that it is for our little family.

Where did all of this come from so suddenly?? Will I ever just be at peace over this process?

11 thoughts on “Thanks, Questions and Musings…

  1. Very interesting post. Coincidentally I had a similar conversation with a friend this morning about facing my fears about this process. I have the same questions as you do. At least some of them. I felt talking about it with my friend helped.

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  2. I fear that too.

    the church sounds awesome.

    i hope you enjoy your shower. My sister just asked me (rather snarkily, I thought) what kind I wanted. So was there snark in her voice or was that in me? The kind I want is one where people show up. know what i mean? i think the . in names are so ppl can't enter that product in a google search and have their blogs show up but I really don't know.

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  3. I have just recently found your blog. Pink Lotion can be found at Walmart in the ethnic hair department. “Pink” is the actual name. I used it some on our late adopted son. His hair was VERY course. I was told (and prefered since he was a baby) that we could also use Johnson's lavendar oil. It's kind of an oily gel.

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  4. I think everyone fears their child will not be accepted by their family, especially in cases of transracial adoption. It's that mothering instinct kicking in. Just wait until the baby actually comes… you will be ready to kill anyone who you think might question your baby or your relationship to him.

    Good luck.

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  5. Hey, I think i've been guilty of lurking on your blog (maybe I've commented before? can't remember….) but I'm tired of people lurking and not commenting on my blog, so I suppose I'd better stop my own lurky habits.

    As for your thoughts in church today, all I have to say is that infertility comes back to slap us in so many weird forms, doesn't it? I worry about these kinds of things too.

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  6. I know exactly how you feel right now, I had the exact same fears (and hate for “fat woman invitations”). And all I can say is, “yes” they will love your son just as much, if not more, than if you had given birth to him yourself! At least that's how it was in my family. Not saying my family didn't have reservations about our daughter being AA. They were more worried about society treating her differently, they were scared for her, not for themselves. And EVERY fear melted away the minute they held her in their arms for the first time!

    After 3 1/2 years of ttc and one surgery, we didn't even think of infertilty treatments and meds, we went straight to adoption…it was a sure thing. We went in full knowing that God wasn't going to give us the child He hadn't already picked out for us, and reasuring our family of this made the news “she's AA” come a lot easier.

    Aliya is our whole world (as well as everyone else in our family, both sides) and we wouldn't change our experience for anything in the world! She is truly a gift from God, and your son is too!!!!

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  7. I hear you on all the fears and uncertainty. In our case, we didn't have much time to think or talk about these things, but they were there none the less.

    I have found that my family has had tremendously open arms for our son. Even the one we were slightly concerned about (he loves across the big pond so no major worries) in terms of being able to accept Charlie for who he is has embraced with open arms. It's really been wonderful, and I know things with your son will be too!

    I can't wait to hear more about the dinner with D. and how things are going!

    Melba

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  8. Hi- new to your blog, I love reading your posts because they are real. Real feelings that real people, like myself (my husband and I are in the waiting stages of the adoption process) have all the time. Feelings and thoughts that are 100% relate-able. Thanks for sharing them and being so honest with them!
    -Jess

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  9. That church sounds awesome! Reminds me a lot of my church at home- Ive been trying to find a church like that here and school and have failed miserably- haha.

    Your family WILL love this child… Wana know why? Because they love YOU. They will see how much joy and love this baby brings you and they will love him too. You will have gifts and visits, and people ohhhh-ing and ahhh-ing over his precious little face and cute little doings and you will be able to stand back and say to yourself, “THIS is what I was waiting for. THIS is why I made the decision I made. THIS is why all those fearful nights were worth it” BECAUSE You will be a mother and it doesn matter HOW you became a mother- Its that this little baby boy made you one and that is amazing.

    Enjoy your shower and soak up all the love (and Gifts) that everyone has to give! 🙂 I am so excited for you to have this little baby boy!

    PS. You are in trouble now! The lurking period is officially over- haah 🙂

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  10. I had this fear, too. We didn't adopt transracially, but my husbands family is all about the “blood-line” and I was VERY concerned. I would say that it has been a complete non-issue with ANYONE and I am pretty SHOCKED about it. It is much easier to love than people imaine it will be!

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