When I started this blog, it was for me. I admit it – I’m selfish. I wanted to know I wasn’t alone, and I wanted to keep a record of our journey. But sometimes it’s so intimidating to write it. I read my blogroll (see the right side of my page) and I am amazed at what these women who have surrounded me (in a www sense) have to say day after day. The pressure is on!
But I just want to be myself, and keep track of my thoughts and feelings and such. So tonight, I’m just going to post the random thoughts that have been in my head lately!
First, a round of congratulations: CONGRATS to Erika who has a baby boy!! CONGRATS to Jen who has a baby girl!! CONGRATS to Allie who has a match!! CONGRATS to BP who has a match!!
I watched Juno finally. It made me very emotional. First, I was relieved that S is not a teenager who has to deal with crappy high school classmates staring at her. Then, I was saddened because I don’t think there’s anyone that will be with S after she gives birth. Then I wanted to punch Jason Bateman in the face (which is odd, seeing as how when I was in junior high & high school he was HOTTT!). (BTW, if you haven’t seen the movie, I won’t reveal WHY I felt that way). Then I was just emotional because, well…because I’m a “pregnant” woman and everything seems to make me cry these days.
All I want to do is two things: think about the baby or pretend none of this is happening. Is that normal?? I mean, I’m super thrilled that we’re having a boy. But it just does not seem real. So I alternate between incredibly excited and incredibly apathetic. And the weight of carrying around this whole adoption thing makes me so tired sometimes that I don’t even want to get out of bed.
I desperately want to be a stay-at-home mom. Now. Even though I’m not a mom yet.
I think about S all the time. All. The. Time. I want to meet her, yet I don’t. I want to have a beautiful open adoption like some of my blog friends describe. Yet I don’t. I’m convinced she won’t change her mind and I’ll be a mommy in mid-January. Yet I fear the worst. I want her to be healthy and happy. I want her to be able to say “hello” and “good-bye” to her baby in January. Yet I want to see him in his first moments of life and witness his “firsts”. This is certainly not an easy thing, adoption. My heart is already opening to include S as part of our life…how far will it expand?
Last night I had my first adoption-related nightmare. S’s sister came after us and stole the baby from us. Crazy, right? Her sister doesn’t even know she’s pregnant and lives in a whole other part of the state. But it was definitely a scary dream.
I literally prayed yesterday that this isn’t some kind of “test” from God. What I mean by that is I think sometimes God allows bad things to happen to allow his people to live it with grace as a way to win others for him. I desperately pray He isn’t doing that with us. I have a number of family who don’t believe in God, and I think if this match were to fail, they wouldn’t see us living it out with grace; they would take it as yet another sign that God isn’t real.
Although I have hoped for a boy from day one, secretly I wondered what it would be like to have a daughter. I am…was…terrified of learning how to care for an African American girl’s hair. So now I’m actually a little disappointed I don’t get to buy pretty little hair baubles. I imagine I’ll still have to learn a lot about hair & skin care, though.
The nesting process is killing me. Between my hours at work, my husband’s work hours, and our families and our church activities…nothing is getting done. I’m overwhelmed with it. I’m sure that will go away, right? And I’ll actually get to the actual nesting? I guess part of me is waiting for my shower in early November…then I’ll actually have stuff to put away and organize 🙂
Does the infertility crap ever go away? Nope…I think not! I’m having another month of hating being a girl, and I still think it’s not fair to be infertile AND suffer for almost a week. Yuck.
I fear what being parents will do to our marriage. Keith and I have so much fun together…will that stop? Or will it just be MORE fun?
I guess tonight I’m just having a bad case of the fears. I realize it’s an emotional time of the month for me…so logically I recognize that a lot of this stuff is just that – emotions. Yet I’m still fearful of many things. Not paralyzingly afraid…just a little overwhelmed tonight.
And at the same time…I just cannot wait to meet our son.
4 thoughts on “Friday Night Ramblings…”
Your fears are normal and understood. I pray tonight for all your fear and anxiety to be gone and that you enjoy “your” pregnancy to the fullest!!! God is so faithful!
I completely relate to the unbelieving family members… I pray for them too tonight!
Praying for you every day! Everything is gonna work out (I know I know cliche) but I do believe it! Enjoy being “pregnant” now and worry about all the other stuff later 🙂
Well I have no idea how I would have felt if we'd have had to wait a long time between finding out about our baby boy and meeting him.
I'm quite certain your feelings are par for the course…I know it cannot be easy to be in your shoes right now.
I'm confident that the shower in November will help break the ice a bit, and make the whole thing feel more real.
The thing is…there is only so much you can do to prepare for parenthood! We waited for ten long years to become parents. I think we were more prepared than most people are when they have a child, and yet it's been the most overwhelming experience either one of us has been through. BUT, it's also been the most joyful thing either one of us has experienced.
I guess my point is, try not to over-think it too much. You know as well as I do that January will be here in the blink of an eye. In the meantime, try to give yourself a break, because you sure are going to need one post baby!
You are in my thoughts and prayers! If you ever want/need to “talk,” you can feel free to email me. I know you're going to be an awesome mom…and S. is going to be very comforted by that. Though this journey is anything but easy, and there is a great deal of pain involved in adoption…there is also tremendous strength and beauty along the way.
I had, and still havve, a lot of the same fears. I think it's normal to ALL parents; not just adoptive parents. Babies change everything. And our situation is even more complicated because we have this third party that somehow has to be worked into the picture, at some level. You aren't just tackling one life changing event or decision….it's a million and we don't get nine months to work it out in our heads. You'll get to nest and then you'll feel better. That will make it feel like you are moving toward the baby…and that's a wonderful feeling.