birth mother · feelings · questions

Communicating with Birth Mom

We got our second letter yesterday from S, our Birth Mother.

It was a beautiful letter.

See, there are circumstances surrounding S’s life that make it possible for us to communicate in exactly one way: letters written, sent to the lawyer and then mailed to us from the law offices. It’s kind of quaint, kind of old-fashioned, but I have to admit having handwritten letters from S is something I’m going to treasure.

S sent us a letter in August asking us how we, a white couple, planned on raising her AA child: what would we do to make sure Baby knows Baby belongs with us. So we each wrote her back (separate letters at her request). She wrote to us last week about how our letters simply made her decision that much more firm.

I have to admit, it’s a little like falling in love.

I want to write back to her. I want her to like me – to trust me – to even love me. S wrote how we are a blessing to her. Keith said he hadn’t thought of it that way. She is such a blessing to us, but she is in a life situation that simply won’t allow for her to parent Baby. So she chose us.

It’s so humbling.

While I do wish for today’s instant communications (phone, fax, email), having to take the time to hand-write letters is a precious experience. But S wants a not-very-open relationship. She wants our (and by “our,” I mean her Baby, who is also mine & Keith’s Baby) child to find her when our child is ready. She doesn’t want to force anything on us, on Baby, or even on herself. She wants it to develop as naturally as possible. She want updates & letters, and says she will send the same to us. But she also said she wants her unborn child to recognize us as Mom and Dad and to simply one day find her and be thankful for the decisions she has made. She says she will make sure the lawyer always has updated contact info so we can contact her any time we feel is necessary.

So now comes the task of writing back to her. This whole process is so full of mystery and agony and joy. I just hope I write the correct things!! And while four months seems like f-o-r-e-v-e-r and a day away, sometimes it seems like it’s right around the corner.

My nesting instincts have kicked in – I’m going to work on the nursery tomorrow. My paper pregnancy is exhausting me 🙂 and I’m going to sleep in tomorrow, too. I feel an insane rush to get everything done RIGHT NOW, but at the same time, I want to really enjoy every minute of this process.

Send good writing vibes my way, everyone!!

4 thoughts on “Communicating with Birth Mom

  1. Well even though it must be so hard to write these letters, it sounds like so far you have known all the right things to say…I'm sure that trend will continue!

    It sounds like she is certainly thinking about all of this a lot, and she seems to know what she wants, which is great. As with any relationship communication is so very important. Seems to me that you guys are off to a great start!!



  2. Oh wow…I somehow stumbled upon your blog and I've loved reading so far. What a special gift to have from your child's bmom…handwritten letters showing how much thought she put into her adoption decision. We were recently matched and we'll be making our 2nd call to the expectant mom tonight. I'm so nervous. It sounds like we'll be waiting for our babies for about the same amount of time…we're just shy of 4 months! Wishing you all the best in rest of your journey!


  3. Oh…the letters sound wonderful! What a treasure they will be in years to come. I am hoping we get a letter from our birth mom for Baby. It IS so nerve-wracking! It's like, even though you've been “picked,” you're still trying to make a good impression all the time! LOL And it is a double-blessing; each of us to the other.

    Ahhh…nesting. Hang on! It's gonna be crazy! Doing nine months worth of nesting in one trimester is going to be a little crazy. 🙂 Have fun! Can't wait to see what all you do and how the nursery turns out.



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