Enter the call…and the knowledge that I will be a mother in a little more than four months…because a woman is going to entrust me with her fifth child.
I realize that S has made an adoption plan because she is mature and responsible and knows that she cannot take care of this baby. Logically, I understand, based on her letter to me, that she is doing what is best for her child.
But I woke up this morning feeling oh so guilty. I feel guilty that I will be taking this woman’s child. I feel guilty that she will not get to experience the joy of raising this child. I feel guilty that I am super rejoicing while she may be grieving already. I feel guilty for one other reason, one I cannot share out of respect for S and her baby, but I have to mention I feel guilty one more time.
I think it really started yesterday morning.
I told a colleague the good new – a colleague not at all educated in the ways of the adoption world. And she said, “How mature this girl must be to know she needs to give up her baby.” And my high-flying joy slowly started crashing to the ground. She is GIVING UP her baby so I can be a mother. No matter what kind of positive adoption language is used, the truth is one woman is giving away a baby to a couple that can’t have one on their own.
Is it wrong for me to want this child? No. This is informed adoption.
Is it wrong for me to be joyful? No. I am becoming a mommy.
Is it hard for me not to feel guilty? Yes.
Will I always feel this way? I certainly hope not. I mean, I hope I always feel a deep sense of gratitude for S, but I hope I don’t always feel as guilty as I do today.
On a more positive note, I bought my child his/her first stuffed animal today: a floppy yellow retriever puppy. And I picked out the paint for the nursery furniture. And I met with a friend who helped me figure out what is missing from my registries. So it wasn’t a day full of guilt 🙂
3 thoughts on “Today’s Emotion: Guilt”
The feeling will pass, I promise. Yeah for picking out paint!!!!!!
I totally get it, but no…I don't think you will always feel this way.
It is HARD – this knowledge that adoption involves so much loss, but it is also beautiful in that it takes situations that could be potentially dire and turns them into families and hope.
Needless to say, I am biased, but adoptive families are so FULL of love and so rich! We have waited for and wanted these babies for a long time, and that makes us exceptional parents…IMHO! 🙂
Also, keep in mind that S. is probably tremendously thankful for you too. Even though she is most certainly grieving, and even though this is going to be very hard for her…in you she has found a safe and loving family with which to place her precious child.
There will be times when the guilt is more palpable than others…when you know it is especially hard for S. And there will be moments when you will know without a shadow of doubt that this is your baby too!
I don't think the guilt will go away, but more that the happy feelings will overflow and outweigh them. The Good Always outweighs and concurs over the Bad.