Have you seen that movie “Raising Helen”? You know, the one with Kate Hudson (love her!) and John Corbett (hot!) where her sister and brother-in-law die and she is named as guardian of the three kids? I love that movie.
Last night after working in the house all day, I started to watch it. So I was falling asleep and I DVRed it (is that even a word? a verb?). I got up this morning, finished stripping wallpaper in our bedroom and basecoated it. I needed it to dry, so I sat down to watch the rest of the movie.
Toward the end, Helen (Kate Hudson) has a breakdown – she thinks she can’t handle raising these three kids. So her older sister (Joan Cusack – lover her too!) comes and takes the kids. I burst into tears. Yes, when I saw it in the theatre many years ago, I may have shed a tear or two. But today? Buckets of tears.
What if I’m like that? What if I can’t get pregnant because God doesn’t want me to be a mom, because He knows I can’t handle it? There…I said it (well, okay, wrote it). I think that is my most deep-seated fear. What if I can’t conceive because I’m not supposed to be a mother?
On my best days, I tend to think I can’t get pregnant because there is a child out there that God has already chosen for us – that He didn’t want us to get pregnant because perhaps adoption is His prime choice for building families. After all, we are blessed because we are the adopted children of God (Ephesians 1:5 and I John 3:1). Perhaps He wants this to be first option. It’s certainly not less of an option! And again, on my best days, I love this adoption journey. It makes me understand a little more about God and it teaches me more how to love and live like Jesus.
But on my worst days…and sometimes even on good days when I see something like the scene from “Raising Helen,” I start to wonder…will I really be a good mother? Is there a reason we can’t get pregnant…?
And I wonder if that fear will ever go away. I know the losses of infertility won’t ever go away…I will forever wonder what it is like to conceive…carry a child in my womb…feel the baby move…have the opportunity to nourish life from its very beginning…give birth… . But will the fear always accompany that?