adoption journey · infertility

Crying Jag!

Have you seen that movie “Raising Helen”? You know, the one with Kate Hudson (love her!) and John Corbett (hot!) where her sister and brother-in-law die and she is named as guardian of the three kids? I love that movie.

Last night after working in the house all day, I started to watch it. So I was falling asleep and I DVRed it (is that even a word? a verb?). I got up this morning, finished stripping wallpaper in our bedroom and basecoated it. I needed it to dry, so I sat down to watch the rest of the movie.

Toward the end, Helen (Kate Hudson) has a breakdown – she thinks she can’t handle raising these three kids. So her older sister (Joan Cusack – lover her too!) comes and takes the kids. I burst into tears. Yes, when I saw it in the theatre many years ago, I may have shed a tear or two. But today? Buckets of tears.

What if I’m like that? What if I can’t get pregnant because God doesn’t want me to be a mom, because He knows I can’t handle it? There…I said it (well, okay, wrote it). I think that is my most deep-seated fear. What if I can’t conceive because I’m not supposed to be a mother?

On my best days, I tend to think I can’t get pregnant because there is a child out there that God has already chosen for us – that He didn’t want us to get pregnant because perhaps adoption is His prime choice for building families. After all, we are blessed because we are the adopted children of God (Ephesians 1:5 and I John 3:1). Perhaps He wants this to be first option. It’s certainly not less of an option! And again, on my best days, I love this adoption journey. It makes me understand a little more about God and it teaches me more how to love and live like Jesus.

But on my worst days…and sometimes even on good days when I see something like the scene from “Raising Helen,” I start to wonder…will I really be a good mother? Is there a reason we can’t get pregnant…?

And I wonder if that fear will ever go away. I know the losses of infertility won’t ever go away…I will forever wonder what it is like to conceive…carry a child in my womb…feel the baby move…have the opportunity to nourish life from its very beginning…give birth… . But will the fear always accompany that?

10 thoughts on “Crying Jag!

  1. Rachel,

    Thank you so much for your comment on my blog, I'm so glad you found me!

    Wow…this post brought back a lot of memories for me! I so remember feeling exactly as you are feeling now, and finally voicing that deeply rooted fear that maybe you are not “meant” to be a mom. Rest assured, those are feelings we ALL have throughout this process. And by we, I mean us “barren women.” I DO think there is something special about us, and I DO think there is a reason we can't have children, but certainly NOT because we aren't supposed to be moms. It takes a special kind of strength and perseverance to get through the adoption process, as you likely already know!

    The other thing is that you most certainly are not alone in this!! I can so relate to what you said in the comment you left on my blog about feeling so completely lonely and A.L.O.N.E! I was feeling much the same somewhere along the way, but then the blogging community sort of opened up to me and I haven't felt that way since!

    We may not know each other IRL, but we do KNOW each other…and we can relate. Friends, family, and even husbands (though to a much lesser extent) may try to relate to what we are feeling, but unless they've been in our shoes, they simply can't understand how very hard all of this can be at times. If you ever need to talk, you can find my email on my blogger profile. 🙂

    Hugs,

    Melba

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  2. I cant imagine what you are going through…but I have to tell you…someday…you are going to be a wonderful mom. There is a baby (or child) out there that needs you…and I promise, when you first hold that child in your arms it will all fall into place. I will never understand why some of us women can have babies so easily and others can not…but I can tell you one thing…if it were not for women like you (and my Rebekah and Melba), women like me would be lost. I just placed my baby boy with Rebekah and B and I cant tell you how my heart soars to know that he is in such capable loving arms. There is a birth mom out there just looking for you, just as I was looking for R and B. Your certainly not alone although you feel you are. ((hugs)) I will certainly be tuning in to follow your journey as long as you allow. God Bless!!

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  3. I just wanted to say hi. I'm stopping over from Melba's blog. Like Melba, I just wanted to say that you are not alone. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 3 years. We tried on our own and then went through 4 IUIs and 3 IVFs. We were never able to get pregnant. We had decided to start looking into adoption before we did the IVF. I almost think part of us knew that that's where we were headed. We found an agency we liked and have been working with them since. (Coincidently, it's the same agency that Rebekah and B started working with…I found their blog online through another blog friend, too.) We just found out within the past 3 weeks that we were picked by an expectant mother who is due in September. We are so happy!

    I went through many days wondering if I was ever going to be somebody's mom. One way or another YOU will become a parent. Adoption is just another pathway you can take.

    I'm looking forward to reading about your journey!

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  4. Stumbled on here from another blog. My heart goes out to you. I have been feeling the same way all day today. Hang in there. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Am telling this as much for me as for you.

    Hugs!
    Prabha

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  5. I know how you feel. I've never been a “baby person”. I never changed a diaper until the day we went to the hospital to pick up our newborn son. And, in fact, there have been two days in these last nine months that I did have to call for someone to come and pick up my son. The first time, I was very ill, and the second time I had PMS that made me crazy. Both times were so humbling, but God is good–I had a very trusted family member who was available to help and bring him back later that day when my husband came home. By the next day, we had it all sorted out and it was fine. I still don't feel like a great mother, but God blessed our child with just the right parents for him. He fits in just right with us. The kind of woman that I think of as supermom wouldn't be the best mom for him. Everyone has unique strengths and weaknesses that God will use to bless your children. And, on those days when you can't do it alone, God will provide people to help your child. Just remember, at the end of that movie, the new mom has become a different person through motherhood. The process to get there is painful, but she's stronger in the end. If you feel called to adoption, you were meant to be a mom. It just feels like it's never going to happen until the unbelievable day that it does.

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  6. When those kinds of questions enter your mind, squash them. You have the desire and compassion to be a mother or you would never be able to write your soul out for others to read with the candor that you do.

    You are special, and God has a plan for you, you must never believe those lies that whisper in the back of your mind and disturb your sleep.

    Here for you!

    Good luck on your home-study, you will be fine!

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  7. I found your blog over on Melba's and I just want to let you know you are not alone in feeling the way you do. We struggled too, 4 IUIs, 3 IVFs, 2 miscarriages…and we finally became parents thru aoption last year. I thought I wasn't good enough, didn't deserve it, wasn't supposed to be a mom…all the things an infertile woman feels at some point. But just know, once you DO become a mom, because you will, the baby you receive is the one you were always meant to have.

    Take care of yourself thru this journey.

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  8. Just have to put in my two cents, though I'm a stranger to you. ; ) I just found your blog this morning through another new blog…I just found this morning. I am a “barren woman” right along with you, sister. It took over eight years to get to our almost seven year old daughter who is from China and we are in the process of being licensed through our state to adopt through the foster system for a little boy. I love and adore my beautiful family that the Lord has put together and is still working on. However, I do believe that nagging pierce deep down in my soul of never being able to conceive a child with my husband will remain with me so that through that weakness, the Lord is made strong. I can't lie and say that I am “all better” and don't think about the loss sometimes. It goes in waves. Ebbs and flows. It's much harder to accept when friends are running the course of getting pregnant for the second and third times or when these young 20-somethings are getting pregnant and going through all the wonderful giddy-ness of it all. But I do remind myself that I didn't have to endure all the horrible things about pregnancy as well! LOL! ; ) I am also reminded that I wouldn't have been one of those who would have just adopted if we'd conceived like “normal”. I wouldn't have our precious, gorgeous daughter if not for this “barrenness”. Here is what I am reminded of right now: “He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord.” Psalm 113:9. That verse gives me so much hope that God knows my plight and hasn't forgotten me, but rather has an amazing plan only I can fulfill. This was very long, but I make no apology. I feel connected to any other woman who shares this gift of barrenness. Bless you. ; )

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