I think summer vacation for me this year is a double edged sword. Last summer, even though I think that deep down I knew we would never get pregnant, part of me was hoping that this summer I’d be home with our baby. When our infertility was confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt in January, summer vacation was the farthest thing from my mind. But now I’m smack in the middle of it…and I think I’m depressed.
Granted, my grandfather died a little over a month ago, and now the ripple effects of that are ripping apart my family. So that contributes. Waiting for DH to finish his paperwork (1 form down, 2 to go! Yea DH!!) contributes. Not wanting to go back to work in August for a dozen assorted reasons contributes.
But I was utterly unprepared for summer vacation this year. Normally I just rattle around, read a lot, plan for the next school year, catch up on my sleep and TiVo. This year…well, I guess technically I’m doing the same things, but I feel differently. I feel less inclined to plan for the upcoming school year. I’m torn between wanting to prepare for the baby I know is coming and living in utter fear that the baby is NOT coming. I go through spurts of reading about infants and hiding my baby books. I waver between it’s all I want to talk about and I don’t want to talk about it at all.
I also can’t decide if I’m apathetic about the upcoming school year because of everything that happened last year or because God is putting it in my heart to be a stay-at-home-mom. I was one of those women that thought I’d never get married. Then God put it on my heart to get married. Next I thought I was one of those women that didn’t want children. Then God put it on my heart to have children. So maybe this is the next logical progression: I never thought I’d be a stay-at-home-mom. And now maybe God is putting it on my heart.
So vacation is a double-edged sword. I’m glad to get the rest and the chance to catch up on reading. But now I have tons of time to think…to obsess…to worry. Here’s praying that since I could see the theoretical sunshine today (for the first time all month), it’ll get better from here.